Troubling Times

I have not made an entry in almost a year. Shame, shame on me :D

Much has happened during this last year. The most critical event was the death of my father in September of 2006. He died of complications of Leukemia. Our relationship was complex, to say the least! He and I were too much alike in some ways and too different in other ways. Both of us have difficulty expressing our feelings, so we did not talk very much. He was a conservative man… I am a liberal man. I held a long-term grudge against him and I am sure he had his own issues with me. None of these issues were resolved before his death and I am not sure that I am all that sorry that we left so much unsaid between us.

My father was a very productive man. During his life time he did so much that was good and admirable… I did tell him how much I admired him for all the things he accomplished. On the other hand, I do not feel like I have accomplished much at all. I start many projects (like this blog), but lose interest soon. It is becoming harder and harder for me to maintain focused on any activity. Since my teenage years, I have had greater than normal mood swings going from almost Manic to Depression in a very short time. However, these swings have become greater than "normal". I do not know how much to attribute to life changes and the cancer or how much to attribute to clinical Manic-Depression.

My last mood swing toward depression came when I read on the Internet about the shootings at Virginia Tech. I kept wishing that I could have taken the place of one of those young people who died so senselessly. They had all of their lives to look forward to living as productive members of our society. What do I have to offer? I know that unless I am hit by a car, I will probably die due to a recurrence of my cancer. OK, so I might have 5-7 years before that happens. So let me use it productively. Somehow, I am not convinced.

I am doing what I can to help myself live. I have been to the doctor twice this week and I do have follow-ups scheduled. I take my medication on time. I started anti-depressant just this week so it is too early to judge whether it will help or not.

Of most concern to me are some significant memory losses I have had over the last year. Two were extensive last over 30 minutes each. Then I have had many others that are fairly brief… less than 30 minutes. How many exactly, I do not know. The most extensive one was this last Sunday when I drove over 45 miles but do not remember any of the trip. I know that we all daydream on a long stretch of Interstate from time to time. But this trip involved changing lanes, merging onto different roads, crossing traffic. I do not remember any of it! I made the trip in 40 minutes… a trip that usually takes at least 50 minutes going at 75 mph on the Interstate! I must have been flying!! The neurologist wants me to have another MRI but he doesn't think my insurance will pay since I had one in February.

Anyhow, that is all the news worth blogging about for today. I will try to be more faithful in blogging... if I can remember too LOL.