While 2003-2005 were anything but restful, they were years I did not worry about my cancer. They were years of rest. I adjusted to the new course of my life and I rebuilt bridges to my kids.
As 2005 began, I gave in to the conclusion that I would live with my father for the rest of his or my life and care for him. I accepted the fact that even though I was overly qualified for my menial, hourly job, I would make this job work.
I was heavily in dept but I was paying it off. I could even see how it would be possible for me to increase the amount of my back child support and alimony I. By my projections, I January of 2006 I would be paying over the required amount and thus be paying some on what my children and ex wife are due.
This spring, I cleaned the flower beds around father’s home and planted new flowers. On one side, I planted Azaleas. On the back side, I planted roses and some bulbs. I still need to finish the front and the other side. I took over lawn care rather than paying someone to do that for us.
Within the house, I made an effort to find better way to use my small space. I like to cook, so I began to experiment with new dishes. Blackened Salmon and Blackened Chicken are my favorite dishes.
My father has done some stained glass window work in the past. Occasionally, I helped him. Since my decision to remain here, I have taken that form of art as mine. I am still a beginner. Although it is a source of great stress, I do enjoy it. I have already made one. It was an 8.5” by 11” chalice. I gave it to my pastor.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Man and Woman - Day Six
During all of these years, my wife was extremely supportive of me. I do not think I would have survived if it were not for her presence with me. And yet I was growing further and further apart from her. My beliefs and values were changing. I will not try to explain what happened. It would require me to violate her privacy. However, in 2001 our differences were too great for me to continue to live with her. Maybe in the middle of a midlife crisis, or maybe at the bottom of one of my depression cycles, I left her and filled for a divorce.
However, I reached out to another woman for help. From the beginning, she and I clicked. I believed we had the same dreams, the same world outlook, and the same values. We married in 2002, probably not the smartest thing I have ever done. However, for the first year we had an absolutely wonderful time together. We had problems but were able to work through most of them. However some problems were just too big. Again, out of respect for her privacy, I will not say much about those. However, so of the stress came from the fact that, in order to be with her, I had to move 400 miles away from my children. They never accepted her or my divorce from their mother. It was too fast for them. It was too soon for me. My career and that of my second wife took a nose dive. The financial strain resulted in the two of us moving to where I now live… I live with my father. She divorced me in 2004. We have gone our on ways to try to find our own paths through life.
However, I reached out to another woman for help. From the beginning, she and I clicked. I believed we had the same dreams, the same world outlook, and the same values. We married in 2002, probably not the smartest thing I have ever done. However, for the first year we had an absolutely wonderful time together. We had problems but were able to work through most of them. However some problems were just too big. Again, out of respect for her privacy, I will not say much about those. However, so of the stress came from the fact that, in order to be with her, I had to move 400 miles away from my children. They never accepted her or my divorce from their mother. It was too fast for them. It was too soon for me. My career and that of my second wife took a nose dive. The financial strain resulted in the two of us moving to where I now live… I live with my father. She divorced me in 2004. We have gone our on ways to try to find our own paths through life.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
All the Animals - Day Five
Those 11 years were not all bad. It was during that time that I became involved in Scouting. It began one day when my son brought home a flier from school inviting parents and boys to attend a recruiting meeting that evening. Although I was not a Boy Scout, I always wanted to be. I lived in a community that did not have scouting, but my father had a Boy Scout Handbook from when he was a child. I read it and memorized the Pledge, Motto, Slogan, and Laws. I went on hikes with my friends. I learned as much as I could about the natural world around me and how to survive in it. However, on that afternoon in early fall when my son brought me the flier, I was not sure I wanted to get involved. My son talked about going camping, shooting a bow and arrow, and hiking with so much excitement that I gave in to his request.
That night went well and my son joined Pack 18 as a Tiger Scout. Unfortunately, that is as far as it went. For several months all that we did was go to the monthly Pack meetings. Finally, I volunteered to lead the Tigers… and the Bobcats… and then Bear… and then Webelos… and somewhere in there I also became Pack Committee Chairman. I eventually became Packmaster. I did this in great part because I wanted my son to have a good, fun, and healthy experience in scouting. However, it was just as good an experience of me as it was for my son or for all the boys I influenced during those years.
That night went well and my son joined Pack 18 as a Tiger Scout. Unfortunately, that is as far as it went. For several months all that we did was go to the monthly Pack meetings. Finally, I volunteered to lead the Tigers… and the Bobcats… and then Bear… and then Webelos… and somewhere in there I also became Pack Committee Chairman. I eventually became Packmaster. I did this in great part because I wanted my son to have a good, fun, and healthy experience in scouting. However, it was just as good an experience of me as it was for my son or for all the boys I influenced during those years.
Day and Night - Day Four
As my chemotherapy continued, I became sicker. My red blood cell count dropped below 2 M/uL. I felt very weak. I had several transfusions and took medication to try to increase my red blood cells. Who can tell whether or not it did any good? I assume my condition would have gotten worse without that help. But I remained weak. I could not walk very far without getting out of breath.
Of more concern was the drop in white blood cell count to bellow 1 M/uL. That made me vulnerable to infections. During those times, I could only do office work. Even then, I did get flu and bronchial type infections that lead me to be hospitalized twice.
After 13 months of chemo with MRI reports saying that there was no more detectable growth, my oncologist recommended discontinuing the chemo in light of the impact that it was having on my blood cells. In January of 1994, I left the hospital free of chemotherapy. I had an MRI every two months for the next year. Then every six months for two years. Finally, the number was dropped to only one MRI per year. This continued until 2003. Each time the result was the same… no visible growth.
When I was first diagnosed, only 1 person in 10 survived past 10 years. I had made it! I could now officially start telling people that I was CURED!
Of more concern was the drop in white blood cell count to bellow 1 M/uL. That made me vulnerable to infections. During those times, I could only do office work. Even then, I did get flu and bronchial type infections that lead me to be hospitalized twice.
After 13 months of chemo with MRI reports saying that there was no more detectable growth, my oncologist recommended discontinuing the chemo in light of the impact that it was having on my blood cells. In January of 1994, I left the hospital free of chemotherapy. I had an MRI every two months for the next year. Then every six months for two years. Finally, the number was dropped to only one MRI per year. This continued until 2003. Each time the result was the same… no visible growth.
When I was first diagnosed, only 1 person in 10 survived past 10 years. I had made it! I could now officially start telling people that I was CURED!
Friday, October 28, 2005
The Dry Land - Day Three
After diagnosis, I talked with a medical oncologist about chemotherapy and to a radiation oncologist about radiotherapy. Radiotherapy would likely have the same results as surgery… loss of ability to speak and loss of the use of my right arm. So after many conversations and a lot of reading in the hospital library, I made the decision to start only chemotherapy. If after a month or two, the chemo had not shown enough effect I re-visit my choices.
My chemotherapy involved three rather standard agents: CCNU, Procrit, and Vincristine. Since this combination is so toxic, I would take my chemo in six week cycles. On the first day of the cycle, I would take one dose of CCNU, get an injection of Vincristine, and start a 14 days of Procrit. After that, I would not take any medications until the end of the six week period. In other words, I would give my body four weeks to recover. I would then start my next cycle.
The first cycle was not bad. I remember experiencing nausea only during the first night. In fact, nausea was never a major problem. The most significant problem was the decrease in my red and white blood cell counts. I was fortunate to have an understanding employer who let me work my own schedule. That was a very dry period for me. I remember that when I turned 40… at the end of chemo… I told someone that I really did not mind being 40, what I minded was the feeling that I should really only be 39. I had lost a year.
My chemotherapy involved three rather standard agents: CCNU, Procrit, and Vincristine. Since this combination is so toxic, I would take my chemo in six week cycles. On the first day of the cycle, I would take one dose of CCNU, get an injection of Vincristine, and start a 14 days of Procrit. After that, I would not take any medications until the end of the six week period. In other words, I would give my body four weeks to recover. I would then start my next cycle.
The first cycle was not bad. I remember experiencing nausea only during the first night. In fact, nausea was never a major problem. The most significant problem was the decrease in my red and white blood cell counts. I was fortunate to have an understanding employer who let me work my own schedule. That was a very dry period for me. I remember that when I turned 40… at the end of chemo… I told someone that I really did not mind being 40, what I minded was the feeling that I should really only be 39. I had lost a year.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Seperation of the Waters - Day Two
The “Second Day” was filled with trying to identify the growth in my brain and to gain control over my “spells.”
At first, all that the doctors could speculate was that I had a tumor or a cancer. The days that followed were filled with tests. My first MRI was quite an experience. I was told by friends who had MRI that what they did was just keep their eyes closed. That way they could pretend they were not in a shoulder-wide tube. I tried that technique, but it did not work. I felt as if I was in a tomb. I had to open my eyes. I was pleased to find that rather than a black tomb, I was in a heavenly white chamber. That helped. However, I still experienced some Closter phobia. The only thing that kept me in there was the knowledge that if I really wanted to, I could crawl out of there. For my 2nd MRI, I asked for some medication. My doctor gave me two pills to take. They helped a lot! For my 3rd MRI, I only took one of the pills. For my 4th and subsequent MRIs I have not taken anything.
The MRI result gave further assurance to the doctors that I had a cancer. Within a week, I had a biopsy with the result showing that I had an Astrocytoma Grade II. I had given the neurosurgeon authority to totally excise the tumor/cancer. However, when he actually saw the growth, he opted for only a biopsy. As he said to me later: “If I had removed enough margin to be sure I took out all of the cancer, you would not be able to speak and probably not be able to use your right arm.” He recommended chemotherapy with close MRI follow-up.
At the same time, my neurologist struggled to eliminate my “spells”. He never named what it was I was having. He did not call them seizures. But he medicated me as if they were seizures. I first started taking Dilantin. Even at the highest dosage recommended, Dilantin did not eliminate my “spells”. He finally added Phenobarbital and the combination of Dilantin and Phenobarbital worked. As long as I took my medication, I did not have any “spells”. However, when I did not take my medication, I would have a “spell” within 24 hours.
At first, all that the doctors could speculate was that I had a tumor or a cancer. The days that followed were filled with tests. My first MRI was quite an experience. I was told by friends who had MRI that what they did was just keep their eyes closed. That way they could pretend they were not in a shoulder-wide tube. I tried that technique, but it did not work. I felt as if I was in a tomb. I had to open my eyes. I was pleased to find that rather than a black tomb, I was in a heavenly white chamber. That helped. However, I still experienced some Closter phobia. The only thing that kept me in there was the knowledge that if I really wanted to, I could crawl out of there. For my 2nd MRI, I asked for some medication. My doctor gave me two pills to take. They helped a lot! For my 3rd MRI, I only took one of the pills. For my 4th and subsequent MRIs I have not taken anything.
The MRI result gave further assurance to the doctors that I had a cancer. Within a week, I had a biopsy with the result showing that I had an Astrocytoma Grade II. I had given the neurosurgeon authority to totally excise the tumor/cancer. However, when he actually saw the growth, he opted for only a biopsy. As he said to me later: “If I had removed enough margin to be sure I took out all of the cancer, you would not be able to speak and probably not be able to use your right arm.” He recommended chemotherapy with close MRI follow-up.
At the same time, my neurologist struggled to eliminate my “spells”. He never named what it was I was having. He did not call them seizures. But he medicated me as if they were seizures. I first started taking Dilantin. Even at the highest dosage recommended, Dilantin did not eliminate my “spells”. He finally added Phenobarbital and the combination of Dilantin and Phenobarbital worked. As long as I took my medication, I did not have any “spells”. However, when I did not take my medication, I would have a “spell” within 24 hours.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
The Beginning - Day One
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