HOW WILL I SUMARIZE MY LIFE?

12 Igreja da Misericordia

Olinda, Pernambuco

Recently, I have been thinking about what I want on my gravestone. It is not an easy task. Have I made a positive impact on my family or friends? Oh, maybe a little. However, there is so much I wish I had done. I know what I need to do and yet I fail to. I guess, down deep, I really do not want to change. So, I am stuck unable or unwilling to move forward.
There is so much I wish I had taught my children! If they have learned anything from me it is what NOT to be as a parent. My own father did not teach me much. I am not blaming him because I knew that I did not want to be like him. Yet here I am living much more in isolation than he ever did. I am torn between what I know I need and what I know I want. I am torn between the knowledge that I need to be with people and the desire to be alone. Other than the forum, an occasion email or phone call, a daily time on FaceBook, and a biweekly outing to the grocery store, I make very little contact with people. I make so many excuses! My cancer; my lack of money for gas and extras; we weakness… There is some validity to these. However, that pales in comparison to my unwillingness to participate in life.
The children's prayer goes: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, I pray to God my soul to take." This is not my prayer. When I lie in my bed, I often pray: "Now I lay me down to bed. I wish I was died. And if I wake in the morn, I'll wish that I had not been born." Not as sweet as the children's prayer but it is what I wish. I could never or would never actively kill myself, but I do wish I would die.
I want to start all over but I would probably make the same mistakes. I believe we are here to learn something about life. Until now that lesson has eluded me. Therefore, even if I did die and got to start all over, without having learned my lesson in this life, my destiny is to make the same choices until I learn.
So, back to my tombstone… my name, day I was born, day I died, and "Maybe Next Time".