FIRST DIARY

I recently located the first volume of my diary. I have kept a diary off and on since I was 17. I decided to read what I wrote almost 40 years ago. What I found was very enlightening. I will not say that I was ignorant… just not well informed. I saw that there were days that I felt really down and others that I felt higher that the sky. I now know that I am slightly bipolar and that even back then I should symptoms. However, back then I was in a different place intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally. I was more black and white in my world view. On days that I felt down (depressed) I wrote:

“I feel low. I know have done something wrong but I don’t know what. God, show me what I did to displease you.”

Expression of guilt about non-specific actions is a very common sign of Depression.

On days that I felt high (manic), I expressed hope and optimism about my future.
“I can do anything when I go to college because God will make a way.”

Expressions about being able to overcome all obstacles is a common feature of the manic phase of bipolar disorder. Now, I know that neither of those causes for my feelings were true. Certainly there were days when I had made only good choices but still felt low and days were I made some bad choices but felt high.

Since then, even though I know it isn’t true, I have felt the same way. As a hospital chaplain and as a part of this forum, I have heard others who feel the same way. How many times have I asked myself: “God, why cancer? Why me? What have I done wrong to deserve this?” I know there will never be an answer that fully satisfies me. I know that even if God explained it to me, I would still feel the pain, fear, and yes, the anger of knowing I have cancer. I am not talking about the factors that contribute to the development of cancers. I am talking about the deeper question… the search for meaning in this new lives we live since our diagnosis. For those questions there may never be an answer and even if there is, knowing it will not take away the pain.

Each of us needs to find a way to live with the pain, fear, anger, and sorrow that accompany Cancer. In my case, spirituality and the knowledge that God is with me regardless of how I feel is a source of strength and comfort. For you, family and friends may play a big role. Some find meaning in activities. I know helping people helps me. Even answering questions on the forum helps me feel a part of the broader life.

In some ways, I still am where I was 40 years ago; in other ways, I have grown. In that growth I find meaning.

26 Mosterio de São Bento, São Paulo

Colonoscopy Journal

03 Fundição de Aço, São Paulo

08:45 Tomorrow (July 16, 2008) I am having my first colonoscopy and I intent this entry to be a journal of that experience.
I can only have clear liquids today. At 08:00 I started taking the barium enema. For you who do not know what that is, it is 4 liters of fluid intended to clear out your system prior to the procedure. I am supposed to drink 8oz every 10 minutes. Having taken about 4 glasses so far, I am already slightly nauseated. I really hope I can keep it down.
08:50 I just took my 5 glass and was glad to see that I have already taken about 1/3 of the jug. I still feel slightly nauseated but nothing else so far.
This colonoscopy is just routine since I have no symptoms of colon cancer. But it does make me think: What if they find something? What will I do? I have always said that if my brain cancer recurs again, I will opt for no treatment. But somehow this choice might be even harder… whatever I decide to do. Dying of colon cancer is not a good way to die but neither is going through all that it takes to get an upper hand on colon cancer.
Time for another glass.
09:03 That glass definitely did not go down as easily. I am very nauseated and do not know how much longer I can hold it down or continue this journal.
I am kind of worried about tonight. Will I be able to sleep or will I be in the bathroom all night. This is when living alone is really hard. For one thing, I cannot just stay in bed and have someone bring me the liquid when I need to drink it.

09:15 I just had my first emergency run to the bathroom. I assume it will not be the last. At least it did relieve some of the nausea I was having.

Glass 7 down and stable.

09:26 Second emergency run to the bathroom. I am surprised at how fast this stuff is running through me but I did have a little diarrhea already.

Glass 8 down. Just slightly half way through.

09:40 Third run to the bathroom. This is certainly not what I would call "fun". Nausea is back but not as bad.

Glass 9 down and less than 1/4th of the jug left. Am I taking it right? It seems to be going too fast. The whole jug was supposed to take 4 hours. The instructions for me are: "Drink one glass every 10-15 minutes until the bottle is finished. You may take 4 hours to drink it if needed." I might be taking it too fast.

09:45 Glass 10 down. I will wait 15 min before the next one.

09:55 The liquid coming out is getting clearer so I guess the liquid going in is working :).

10:01 Glass 11 down. No change. Getting tired of running to the bathroom every few minutes :( but otherwise I am alright.

It would be nice if the CancerForums.net had a chatroom. :(

10:20 Glass 12 down and just 1 more left to go. I am feeling extra weak and tired. So I might have to go to bed once I finish the last glass.

10:45 Glass 13 down; none left :D. No let's see you long it takes for the "runs" to end. I need to lie down for a while.

14:47 I have been sleeping most of the time since I last posted. Bathroom trips have slowed but now I am hungry LOL. Jello anybody? :P

16:50 Just finished my "supper"... some chicken broth. Not feeling too well right now. Stomach is churning like a washing machine.

2008 July 16

07:00 Slept well. Got up at 06:00, took my bath, took my meds and am ready for my cousin to come pick me up and take me to the hospital.

12:15 Emily came as planed... 08:45. We were at the hospital by 09:00. The admission process did not take long and I was wheeled in for the colonoscopy by 10:00. The anathesionagist and doctor arrived shortly thereafter and after a brief conversation with each, I don't remember much except a slight abnormal taste in my mouth. I came to in the procedure room feeling as well as I did when I went in. I was back in my room by 11:00.

Test result no polyps, 7 small pockets of diverticulosis, and hemorrhoids.

I was home by 12:00.