FIRST DIARY

I recently located the first volume of my diary. I have kept a diary off and on since I was 17. I decided to read what I wrote almost 40 years ago. What I found was very enlightening. I will not say that I was ignorant… just not well informed. I saw that there were days that I felt really down and others that I felt higher that the sky. I now know that I am slightly bipolar and that even back then I should symptoms. However, back then I was in a different place intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally. I was more black and white in my world view. On days that I felt down (depressed) I wrote:

“I feel low. I know have done something wrong but I don’t know what. God, show me what I did to displease you.”

Expression of guilt about non-specific actions is a very common sign of Depression.

On days that I felt high (manic), I expressed hope and optimism about my future.
“I can do anything when I go to college because God will make a way.”

Expressions about being able to overcome all obstacles is a common feature of the manic phase of bipolar disorder. Now, I know that neither of those causes for my feelings were true. Certainly there were days when I had made only good choices but still felt low and days were I made some bad choices but felt high.

Since then, even though I know it isn’t true, I have felt the same way. As a hospital chaplain and as a part of this forum, I have heard others who feel the same way. How many times have I asked myself: “God, why cancer? Why me? What have I done wrong to deserve this?” I know there will never be an answer that fully satisfies me. I know that even if God explained it to me, I would still feel the pain, fear, and yes, the anger of knowing I have cancer. I am not talking about the factors that contribute to the development of cancers. I am talking about the deeper question… the search for meaning in this new lives we live since our diagnosis. For those questions there may never be an answer and even if there is, knowing it will not take away the pain.

Each of us needs to find a way to live with the pain, fear, anger, and sorrow that accompany Cancer. In my case, spirituality and the knowledge that God is with me regardless of how I feel is a source of strength and comfort. For you, family and friends may play a big role. Some find meaning in activities. I know helping people helps me. Even answering questions on the forum helps me feel a part of the broader life.

In some ways, I still am where I was 40 years ago; in other ways, I have grown. In that growth I find meaning.

26 Mosterio de São Bento, São Paulo