In my last post I said that I was able to stop the spiraling decent into the depth's of depression. I may have spoken too soon. Yesterday, for the first time in many weeks I went to bed much earlier than what has been normal for me and I did not want to get out of bed. I had to force myself out. I did not accomplish much either. Got a few cloths done but that is all the house work I did. I worked on the Cancer Forums for a while, but my heart was not really into it. I want to go to bed now, but it is way too early for that and it would not solve anything.
I look back a couple of days and am amazed that the person who posted that message is the same person who is posting this one.
I did start to write a database to use for a medical journal. I think I will work on that for a while. And maybe do some more work in the basement. The forum is quiet tonight anyhow.
This was supposed to be a good weekend. Sunday has the first Sunday of Advent which is a very special time of the year for me. It is a season to remember and a season for preparing ourselves for the coming of Christ. Sunday morning was just that. Although it was raining it was otherwise a great morning. Even the rain was a blessing after such a dry summer.
However, Saturday night was not so good. I hope that you understand that I can and will write almost anything that only pertains to me. However, even though I am not legally or religiously obligated, I still hold confidentiality as a high value. So I can only write very briefly about what happened. It actually began several days ago when I approved the post of a new member. Although I did not see it as such, I have come to the conclusion that it was a violation of our policies. However, before I came to see that, the situation escalated and members where hurt. The tension and anxiety I felt almost sent me spiraling into depression when one of our most valuable members said he/she what to be removed from any connection to our forum. However, with the help of other members, I soon saw the reality of the situation: I had allowed someone to violate our Policies. Once I realized that, the next step was clear to me and by doing the right thing I kept myself from that deep and painful depression. The issue is still not totally resolved but we are moving forward. I know this message does not make much sense to you because I cannot give you more details. Suffice it to say, it has a very stressful weekend… but it is also the beginning of the new Church Year and that is good.
I thing "Wise Up" is appropriate for this weekend.
Most reasonable people are asleep as I write this. Some are already getting up to go to work. I will only go to bed around Noon and sleep until 5 pm. I have always been a night owl. For many years I was the evening Chaplain at Western Baptist Hospital. Most recently I worked the 3rd shift at Wal-Mart. Since Dad died I have often stayed awake until at least 2 am. Gradually, I have stayed awake later and later. For several days I have had increasing problems falling asleep. It seemed like I could not sleep until sunrise. This week I found myself staying awake until the sun was high in the sky. As I tried to go to bed, I saw a lot of house work still to be done… the pantry needed to be cleaned, dishes needed to be washed, furniture and furnishing needed to go into the yellow room, laundry needed to be done, carpets needed to be vacuumed. Before I knew what was happening it was noon and I was still awake. Today I still have a lot of work to do. I made stew yesterday and I need to put the leftovers away before I go to sleep. Mind you, I am not complaining. The remarkable thing about it is that when I do go to bed, I sleep like a baby! And when I wake up at 5 or 6 pm I am fully rested and want to get out of bed whereas before I just wanted to sleep all night and then all day too. I do not what to change back. This schedule may sound very unorthodox. However, it works for me.
Am I in a manic phase? I do not know that for sure. It is hard to be your own therapist. It does not feel like I am manic. I am not trying to do everything perfectly. I do feel a great deal of anxiety about how the house looks and that Christmas is just a few short weeks away. In less than four weeks my siblings, children, grand-child, and ex-wife will be here and so much needs to be done.
Yesterday, I took out all the sheets from the closet and sorted them according to the bed(s) they went on. I was amazed to find so few that will fit the yellow room bed… and all of them are pink. But I do not have the money to buy new ones so pink it is… at least for a while.
The basement is still full of boxes. If my siblings bring their children, the basement is certainly where they will want to go. But cleaning it will be a giant task. I have hardly made a dent in it. Without a pickup truck it is so hard to take thing anywhere.
I did fix the kitchen faucet which started to drip none stop. That leaves the bathtub faucet and sink faucets to fix.
I could go on and on. If I were in a manic phase I would try to do them all. I will do what I can and live around the rest. But my new life schedule is helping.
Since shortly after I was first diagnosed in 1992, I have kept a medical journal for myself, then for my mother and father. Others have expressed interest in it so I have decided to post my format. If I had the knowhow, I would like to write a program to use it with a program that could be used in a Palm type device and sell if you US$19 a copy. But here is the basic outline of my hard copy version.
Personal Information
Name
Address
Phone Numbers
Birthday
Know allergies and associated reactions
Blood-type
Emergency Contact Information
Name
Address
Phone Numbers
Authorization(s) (Health Care Surrogate, Power of Attorney, Living Power of Attorney, Living Will)
Current list of medications including nutritional supplements and alternative medicines
Current list or doctors with addresses and phone numbers
Primary Care Physician
Neurologist
Oncologist
Neurosurgeon
Internal Medicine
Infectious Diseases
Dentist
Ophthalmologist/Optometrist
Ob/Gyn
Past Medical history
Childhood illnesses
Past surgeries
Past major illness
Miscellaneous medical information such as dental care, vision, or hearing issues.
On-going Medical Journal Entries
Questions and Answers
Primary Care Physician
Neurologist
Oncologist
Neurosurgeon
Internal Medicine
Infectious Diseases
Dentist
Ophthalmologist/Optometrist
Ob/Gyn
Appointments
Hope this is helpful to everyone.
I have been a fan of Aimee Mann for several years now.
Friday and Saturday were not very spectacular days but full of activities.
Most of what I did was on the Cancer Forums. That does take a lot of time. Of our current 16,000+ members, only about 25% have posted at least one message. I am sure that number will be more like 10% if my helpers and I did not delete so many of them. I personally delete at least 50 a day because they contain links to pornography or are advertizing something. I cannot understand how they can register without actually having a human being do the registration… at least part of the way. The last step in the registration process is to enter a certain combinations of letters and number that are masked so that computers are supposed to not be able to read them. I guess as long as there is cheap labor somewhere in the world, there will always be people to enter that code.
The bedroom refinishing project has entered its final phase but its slowest phase as well. I am trying to find wall decorations and furniture for it. Unfortunately, I do not have money to buy any new items. I do have plenty of old things I can use. Unfortunately, there are not up-to-date with the Home Network standards.
I did my monthly grocery shopping on Friday. Fortunately, everyone was across town at Wal-Mart and not on this side of town at Kroger's so the lines were about normal for a Friday evening. I was out of so many basic things that I did need to spend a lot of money. However, I might not have to go to the grocery store again until mid December.
The small stain glass project is now done. All that I need to do is clean off is glass. I am having second thoughts about selling that equipment. It is a possible way for me to make some of the objects with which to decorate the house. I don't know… maybe that is the manic side of me thinking that I can do that too. I know that I can do the stained glass work. The real question is: "Will I?"
Netflix has a feature that I enjoy; I can watch movies instantly rather than waiting for them to arrive in the mail. I took advantage of that feature Friday night and watched the biography of Thomas Merton… one of my spiritual guides. The movies are not first run movies. To see anything close to current I still have to wait for the mailman.
I backed a couple of pumpkin pies and took one over to my new neighbors as a "Welcome to the Neighborhood" gift. They seem to be a nice family with two middle school age kids. Of course, they do make more noise than Mrs. Mary. Since the side door to their house is just 30 feet from my bedroom window, noise may be an issue later next year when they spend more time outside. Hopefully it will not be a problem.
Anyhow, as you can see, I had much to do but little to write home about. Fortunately, few people visit my blog, hehehe.
I listened to Aida today on PBS. This clip is of Luciano Pavarotti singing a part of that opera. Of course, Pavarotti died earlier this fall of Pancreatic Cancer.
This is the first Thanksgiving were I am totally alone. Last year, at least some of my siblings were here for part of the weekend. Dad had died just two months before so we gathered to divide the personal property and to talk about what next. It is not just being alone that I have to fight… it is also being lonely.
I was fortunate to have Elizabeth, Earl, and JP stop on their way to Earl's parent's home. I meet them at the restaurant at the intersection with I-65 so they could eat a Thanksgiving dinner with me and for me to hold JP. He is 4 ½ months old now and he has grown so much. I held him all through the meal and did not want to give him back for them to leave. That was my Thanksgiving J. I am very thankful that JP is part of our family. I do feel blessed.
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite Holiday… at least since I returned to the US. I owe a lot of that to Connie's parents. They adopted me when my parents were still in Brazil. I do love them even if I am not married to Connie anymore. I remember the Thanksgiving morning tradition of going "hunting" with Paul (Connie's father). The Fall weather in Western Tennessee is so nice. We usually just walked, hoping that the dog would flush out some doves for Paul to take a shot at. I remember him shooting his shotgun but, to my knowledge, he never killed anything. Then, we would drive around a little before going home.
By the time we got back, the women were a hubbub of activity in the kitchen. Uncles and Aunts, siblings and cousins would start to arrive throughout the day. There was always the visit to "the other side of the family." Most often, we ate with Joyce's family and visited with Paul's. We would get together with them later in the weekend to eat again.
I finally finished painting the room. I still need to clean the carpet and move back the furniture. In fact, this could be the hardest part of remodeling… deciding how to re-decorate the room. Do I put a new border? What pictures do I put in there? What about curtains? These questions and many others like them are not my strong suit. Plus the fact that I am very limited financially means that I have to make use of the items I already have. But the curtains really do need to be replaced.
Here are some more lessons for the rest of you first timers.
One can of primer and one can of your tented paint is cheaper than two cans of tented paint.
Corollary: Two coats of a cheap primer are better than one coat of expensive primer. This might take longer. However, you will not regret spending the time and effort… especially if you are painting a dark room a lighter color.
A sheet of plastic drop cloth is cheaper than repainting a bed or replacing carpet.
Use one roller for the primer and one for the tented paint. Two rollers are cheaper in the long run than trying to wash one roller. You will never totally clean the roller anyhow so why not start fresh?
A role (or two) of blue painter's tape is easier to apply than repainting the floorboards or window/door frames. However, as I learned, the tape CAN and DOES pull off the paint. I do not know if I did something wrong. Maybe the wood was painted with the wrong type of paint originally. I know that some paints do not adhere to other types of paint. Nevertheless, I ended up pulling off a significant amount of paint. In a previous life, I would try to paint the wood again. However, I think I will wait until at least after my Christmas guest leave.
A second person to help is cheaper than a trip to the Emergency Room. If you have problems with balance, do not try to paint using a step stool or a ladder. Get someone to help you or at least someone to call 911 for you. I was just lucky. More than once I almost fell because of my balance problem.
Corollary 1: Maintain three points of contact at all times (two feet and one hand or two hands and a foot). I learned this at a COPE class one summer at Boy Scout Camp with my son. Of course, in that case, one of our points of contact was the rope holding us up.
Corollary 2: A wet, freshly painted wall is not a good choice for any of your points of contact unless you like paint on your hand and just needed to paint that wall again.
Corollary 3: A ceiling can help you maintain your balance unless you have just overlooked what I said in Corollary 2.
Two cans of primary are cheaper than one can plus a trip back to the store to by a second one. Most cans of any paint list you much you can expect that paint to cover. Usually, that figure is pretty accurate if you calculate the square footage right and add 100 square feet to the result. The room I was painting was roughly a 12ft x 12ft room with 8ft ceilings. Therefore, I was painting 384 sq. ft of walls. Add 100 to that and you get 484 sq ft. A gallon of the primer and paint I used said they would cover 400 sq. ft. So, I bought two gallons of each. It took well over 1 ½ gallons of the primer and just a little over one gallon of the tinted paint.
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Back to work on the Cancer Forums for a while.
I am not sure why I like Apocalyptica so much, but I do. I am just amazed at what they can do with Cellos. It is acid rock on a Cello.
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