Saturday Before Christmas

Twas the Saturday before Christmas and all through the house all the creature were stirring… even the mouse… well, not exactly. It is more like a regular Saturday than I would like. I wish my back were not hurting so much. I still have so much to do before the big day arrives. A lot of what I need to do involves heavy lifting… not exactly the right thing to do if my back is hurting.

Preparing For Christmas

I just need to take a break to post a message. I have been working hard to clean the house, but up the Christmas tree, and decorate the house but I still have so much to do. It does not look like I have done anything. However, I have made at least 10 trips to the dump with junk. I still have several more trips to make. I only have a 5 more days before everyone gets here.

I went to Paducah for 3 days earlier this week. My main reasons for going were to see Steven, hopefully to see Lauren, and to pick up my fruit order from the band fundraiser. However, I also almost finished my Christmas shopping. The rest should arrive in the mail since I ordered the rest online.

That is about it for now.

Merry Christmas

The Dark Cloud Covered The Sun

I am starting today's entry without first writing a title for this post. That is because I am totally unfocused today. It has been a lonely, quiet, slow, empty day. Oh, I had a lot to do and I did a lot of work yesterday but I just seems so mundane to me. OK, so the garage is a little cleaner, the basement does not have as many boxes, the Christmas decorations a partly up. The only job that I can say is totally done is the dishes have been washed, dried, and put away… not a small achievement for me. But the house is still a mess and time is running out.

I can feel my depression growing stronger within my chest. Like a dark cloud covering the sun, my days seem danker. A friend of mine on the cancer forums wrote an entry the other day in which she described her day as "walking through the quiet halls of the forum." That is exactly what the last few days have been like. Yes, there has been some activity but not like before.

The Sound Of Silence

Christmas Is Near

Yesterday, I braved the cold to put up some outdoor Christmas lights. I bought some lights a couple of years ago and an "after Christmas sale" but did not use them last Christmas. None of us really felt like decorating the house last year so soon after Dad's death. But this year things are different. My siblings and children will be here for at least a short time during the Holidays and I do want to make the house as welcoming as I can. So, I have put up some of the lights. I have enough lights to go across the entire front of the house but only can safely reach around the porch. The rest is too high and I do not have access to a long enough ladder. Even if I did have a ladder, putting up lights would be dangerous in my present condition. I have balance problems that prevent me from climbing too high about ground.

Outside, I still need to do some leaf cleaning. The dick if full of leaves that I really should try to put into bags so the trash people will take them away.

I have been making daily trips to the dump taking old boxes of binders and other junk in the basement. I found out that they do take old TV's and computer accessories. I will take a car full after the dump opens later this morning.

Yesterday, I also changed the oil in the car. When I went to pay, I found that I did not have my wallet. Oops. I had already driven to the dumb so I am glad I was not stopped by the police and asked to show them my driver's license. The guys at the oil changing place were very nice and let my return to the house to get my wallet.

I am listening to Christmas songs now.

Maybe I Spoke Too Soon

In my last post I said that I was able to stop the spiraling decent into the depth's of depression. I may have spoken too soon. Yesterday, for the first time in many weeks I went to bed much earlier than what has been normal for me and I did not want to get out of bed. I had to force myself out. I did not accomplish much either. Got a few cloths done but that is all the house work I did. I worked on the Cancer Forums for a while, but my heart was not really into it. I want to go to bed now, but it is way too early for that and it would not solve anything.

I look back a couple of days and am amazed that the person who posted that message is the same person who is posting this one.

I did start to write a database to use for a medical journal. I think I will work on that for a while. And maybe do some more work in the basement. The forum is quiet tonight anyhow.

Yes, I am in an Aimee Mann Mood

A Very Stressful Weekend

This was supposed to be a good weekend. Sunday has the first Sunday of Advent which is a very special time of the year for me. It is a season to remember and a season for preparing ourselves for the coming of Christ. Sunday morning was just that. Although it was raining it was otherwise a great morning. Even the rain was a blessing after such a dry summer.

However, Saturday night was not so good. I hope that you understand that I can and will write almost anything that only pertains to me. However, even though I am not legally or religiously obligated, I still hold confidentiality as a high value. So I can only write very briefly about what happened. It actually began several days ago when I approved the post of a new member. Although I did not see it as such, I have come to the conclusion that it was a violation of our policies. However, before I came to see that, the situation escalated and members where hurt. The tension and anxiety I felt almost sent me spiraling into depression when one of our most valuable members said he/she what to be removed from any connection to our forum. However, with the help of other members, I soon saw the reality of the situation: I had allowed someone to violate our Policies. Once I realized that, the next step was clear to me and by doing the right thing I kept myself from that deep and painful depression. The issue is still not totally resolved but we are moving forward. I know this message does not make much sense to you because I cannot give you more details. Suffice it to say, it has a very stressful weekend… but it is also the beginning of the new Church Year and that is good.

I thing "Wise Up" is appropriate for this weekend.

My Life Schedule Is Reversed

Most reasonable people are asleep as I write this. Some are already getting up to go to work. I will only go to bed around Noon and sleep until 5 pm. I have always been a night owl. For many years I was the evening Chaplain at Western Baptist Hospital. Most recently I worked the 3^rd shift at Wal-Mart. Since Dad died I have often stayed awake until at least 2 am. Gradually, I have stayed awake later and later. For several days I have had increasing problems falling asleep. It seemed like I could not sleep until sunrise. This week I found myself staying awake until the sun was high in the sky. As I tried to go to bed, I saw a lot of house work still to be done… the pantry needed to be cleaned, dishes needed to be washed, furniture and furnishing needed to go into the yellow room, laundry needed to be done, carpets needed to be vacuumed. Before I knew what was happening it was noon and I was still awake. Today I still have a lot of work to do. I made stew yesterday and I need to put the leftovers away before I go to sleep. Mind you, I am not complaining. The remarkable thing about it is that when I do go to bed, I sleep like a baby! And when I wake up at 5 or 6 pm I am fully rested and want to get out of bed whereas before I just wanted to sleep all night and then all day too. I do not what to change back. This schedule may sound very unorthodox. However, it works for me.

Am I in a manic phase? I do not know that for sure. It is hard to be your own therapist. It does not feel like I am manic. I am not trying to do everything perfectly. I do feel a great deal of anxiety about how the house looks and that Christmas is just a few short weeks away. In less than four weeks my siblings, children, grand-child, and ex-wife will be here and so much needs to be done.

• Yesterday, I took out all the sheets from the closet and sorted them according to the bed(s) they went on. I was amazed to find so few that will fit the yellow room bed… and all of them are pink. But I do not have the money to buy new ones so pink it is… at least for a while.
  
• The basement is still full of boxes. If my siblings bring their children, the basement is certainly where they will want to go. But cleaning it will be a giant task. I have hardly made a dent in it. Without a pickup truck it is so hard to take thing anywhere.
  
• I did fix the kitchen faucet which started to drip none stop. That leaves the bathtub faucet and sink faucets to fix.
  

I could go on and on. If I were in a manic phase I would try to do them all. I will do what I can and live around the rest. But my new life schedule is helping.

Ahh, to be young again