11 Pipers piping refers to the eleven faithful Apostles
It has been a long time and I need to update my cancer situation. I did have an MRI on Tuesday. The doctor said that there was no change. However, this time I got a copy of the CD with my scan on it. I saw a white area where my cancer was. I do not know what it is but surely if I saw it my doctor would have seen it too. I do not think I will worry myself much about it. My doctor does not want to see me again for 8 months this time (it has been every 3-4 months). I have mixed feelings about this result. I sometimes wish that he had said that the cancer was back and that I would die in a few months.
I have a little journal given to me by my kids called "A Father's Legacy." It is not a dated journal but each page has one question. This last week the question I tried to answer was: "What is the most important lesson you have learned in your lifetime?" I really had a hard time with that question because I do not think I have learned anything of any great value… until the other day. I was having an imaginary conversation with my son, Steven. At one point, we were talking about my divorce and how I still think and feel that marrying his mother was a mistake in the first place. He replied: "But if you didn't marry her, I would never have been born."
At first, my reply was defensive. I told him that was a philosophical question (which it is). However, I realized how significant that question really is so I then told him that he was right. If I had married someone else and had a son and named him Steven, that "Steven" would not be him. I then realized the lesson that I have learned:
"Every choice we make, every decision or conclusion we make, changes our future in a very significant and irrevocable way."
So, have I really chosen to live?
Theological Lesson: The eleven faithful apostles. Actually, this reminds me that originally there were twelve. Judas made a choice that affected his life in a very profound way. I am not sure I know what I think of him. Sometimes, I identify with him. I think he is so misunderstood. I do not think he is in Hell right now; I think that Life here was his Hell. Blessed to be in the presence of the Lord, he opted to live in Hell full of pain, anger, and disappointments. I think of the other eleven not as "pipers" but as followers of the "piper"... following blindly and asking no questions... always with the "right" answers. It is harder to be the one with all the doubt and questions and confusion. In so many ways I have made the same choices that Judas did.
So, once again I ask: Have I really chosen to live in this Hell?
Good Morning Jim,
ReplyDeleteThe sun is shinning here this morning and I'm not. There are so many ups and downs with this stupid illness. I wanted to type in the forums about how I feel today but changed my mind, thinking people may feel I am only looking for pity, and for some reason I feel you wont think that of me. I am waiting for my parents to pick me up for my routine blood work and a visit with my councilor, so I decided to come to read your blog. I have a couple of comments on it and one is I am pretty much feeling the same you, so down today, nice light outside none inside....It bothered me about this comment you made.....
"I have mixed feelings about this result. I sometimes wish that he had said that the cancer was back and that I would die in a few months."
It's funny how I do also feel when I am getting results, my inner feelings at times run that way, days I really want to just die and other days I am truly afraid. Jim I really want you to read this song that I always sing to myself makes me feel better after singing it. The name of the song is "DON'T STOP DANCING" also I make myself believe that the chorus is God talking to me *CHILDREN DON'T STOP DANCING BELEIVE YOU CAN FLY*!
I wanted to post it on my topic in your forum but I will write it here. Here it goes,,,,,,,,
At times life is wicked and I just can’t see the light,
A silver lining sometimes isn’t enough
To make some wrongs seem all right
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And now I’m on my knees again,but
I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many
Feel this way
Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly away
At times lifes unfair and you know
Its plain to see
Hey God I know I’m just a dot in this world
Have you forgot about me?
Whatever life brings
I’ve been through everything
And now I’m on my knees again, but
I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many
Feel this way
Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly away
Am I hiding,
In the shadows?
Forget the pain and forget the sorrows
Am I hiding. In the shadows?
Forget the pain and forget the sorrows
But I know I must go on
Although I hurt I must be strong
Because inside I know that many
Feel this way
Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly away
Children don’t stop dancing
Believe you can fly away
Am I hiding in the shadows?
Are we hiding in the shadows?
Maybe you can print it out and sing it to yourself at times. Just once a day =)
Now the other phrase that had me thinking was ;
"What is the most important lesson you have learned in your lifetime?"
And you know what, I will be thinking on that one all day... Cant answer it....
Well my friend on that note I will go, as my parents will be here soon enough!! Thinking of you always a friend,
Tam~
Tam, thank you for your beautiful comment and lovely song :).
ReplyDeleteI tend to use my blog as my dumping place. There are times when I think to world and my family would be better off if I just died. I am "old" (53), unemployed, poor, with very little hope for the future with few real friends and my kids are all grown. Oh, I know I have the forum. But as you know, the Internet does not send hugs very well :D.
I am NOT actively suicidal but some times I suspect that I am passively suicidal.
I do enjoy the forum very much.
I followed to your blog from the CancerForum, but I'm not registered there.
ReplyDeleteMy buddy Mike just got his biopsy results back. He's got two gliomas, and they were only able to biopsy one (the other is behind his optical nerve). But the one biopsy had to go to both Washington and Australia, and came back as mixed, grade 3. (He has the 1p/19q deletion, but I don't understand what that means -- everywhere I read about that, they assume you already know.)
I just wanted to say that reading your posting and your blog has really helped. Right now, I'm pretty scared and confused and uncertain and it helped to read where you've been.
Thank you so very much.
**hugs**
Barbara
Barbara, I would encourage you to join the forum and we can talk more there.
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry about Mike's cancer.