Dream Trip

It is hard to describe today. I slept in so got off to a slow start to begin with. Then I wasted about 4 hours on Google Map’s “My Map” feature that lets people map out their one trips. I tried mapping out my “dream trip” but had a lot of difficulty with the program. My dream trip is not a short on; not a simple going from point A to point B. It is a trip that could take a good part of a whole summer and would require someone to go with me to do most of the driving. I cannot think of anyone who can do that. The trip would take me though much of the Northeastern and Midwestern USA. It would go through places where I have lived, places I would love to visit, and places that hold fond memories for me.

I have told many people dealing with cancer that I like to know my prognosis in order to establish some realistic goals for what I want to do with whatever time I have left. This trip is in my list. It might not be too realistic given my financial situation and need for a travel companion. It might be the least achievable but it is a dream nevertheless. I think having dreams is not only OK, it is healthy. If those two obstacles could be overcome, there IS a realistic chance that I would take this trip within the time I have left. Of course, my time frame is a long one. I am looking at years. Others might only be looking at months. Nevertheless, having such dreams and goals just might be the first step in the enjoyment of whatever time we still have on this earth.

31 Boi Bumbá em Manaus, Amazonas

Water From The Well

Canaanite Woman by Drouais

I was sitting outside yesterday (Labor Day) eating a hamburger and chips about 10 feet from my hummingbird feeder. Adam and Eve (the name I gave to the 2 regulars) were flying in and out chasing each other around the trees. Adam almost always land on the perch to sip the nectar. Even rarely does preferring to sip while still flying. One time something unique and special happened. After taking a swig, Adam flew over toward me and hovered about 3 feet from me and just looked at me face to face. Of course, I have no idea what was going through his pea size brain. I have had hummingbirds sip nectar from flowers that I was holding. Nevertheless, this was the first time one actually looked into my eyes. Whatever the reason for this behavior, it took a lot of courage on this little bird’s part. He dared to stare down something at least 1000 times his size.

Cancer makes us to have to stare down something that physically is much smaller than we are but much larger in its impact on use in all other ways. I know it takes all the courage I can muster to hang in there. It is so much easier to write about this now that I am in remission rather than when the cancer is acting up. Certainly there are many sources of support we can draw from but a lot of it has to come from the reservoirs deep within us. Despite what we might feel, we have one. Sometimes life situations have made this reservoir hard to reach. That is when friends, family, and even our medical teams help. I do not see it as them giving us courage. Rather I see it as them helping us to access the courage that is already there. Like someone drawing water from a deep well, the water has always been there but needs help coming to the surface.

29 Velha Igreja em Parnaiba, Piauí

FIRST DIARY

I recently located the first volume of my diary. I have kept a diary off and on since I was 17. I decided to read what I wrote almost 40 years ago. What I found was very enlightening. I will not say that I was ignorant… just not well informed. I saw that there were days that I felt really down and others that I felt higher that the sky. I now know that I am slightly bipolar and that even back then I should symptoms. However, back then I was in a different place intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally. I was more black and white in my world view. On days that I felt down (depressed) I wrote:

“I feel low. I know have done something wrong but I don’t know what. God, show me what I did to displease you.”

Expression of guilt about non-specific actions is a very common sign of Depression.

On days that I felt high (manic), I expressed hope and optimism about my future.
“I can do anything when I go to college because God will make a way.”

Expressions about being able to overcome all obstacles is a common feature of the manic phase of bipolar disorder. Now, I know that neither of those causes for my feelings were true. Certainly there were days when I had made only good choices but still felt low and days were I made some bad choices but felt high.

Since then, even though I know it isn’t true, I have felt the same way. As a hospital chaplain and as a part of this forum, I have heard others who feel the same way. How many times have I asked myself: “God, why cancer? Why me? What have I done wrong to deserve this?” I know there will never be an answer that fully satisfies me. I know that even if God explained it to me, I would still feel the pain, fear, and yes, the anger of knowing I have cancer. I am not talking about the factors that contribute to the development of cancers. I am talking about the deeper question… the search for meaning in this new lives we live since our diagnosis. For those questions there may never be an answer and even if there is, knowing it will not take away the pain.

Each of us needs to find a way to live with the pain, fear, anger, and sorrow that accompany Cancer. In my case, spirituality and the knowledge that God is with me regardless of how I feel is a source of strength and comfort. For you, family and friends may play a big role. Some find meaning in activities. I know helping people helps me. Even answering questions on the forum helps me feel a part of the broader life.

In some ways, I still am where I was 40 years ago; in other ways, I have grown. In that growth I find meaning.

26 Mosterio de São Bento, São Paulo