It Has Now Been 15 Years

Well, it is official. I have survived 15 years post diagnosis of Primary Brain Cancer (glioma). I will not lie to myself and say that it has been an easy 15 years because it has not. Especially since the move here in 2003 and the recurrence in June of 2005. I have not been able to find a good job which I can actually do. The damage to my brain has caused me some significant problems: weakness in my right arm and hand, trouble speaking, harder time remembering this, imbalance, and increased mood swings to name just a few.

But I am here. I am not sure why. I do help people on http://cancerforums.net/index.php and I think they appreciate what I do. However, often I suffer from survivor's guilt. I ask: "Why do I live and that father in his late 30's with a baby will die soon?" It haunts me so nights. I stay awake wishing God (who ever that is) would just take my remaining days and give it to someone who would make better use of it.

I did live long enough to see both of my daughters get married, to help me son earn his Eagle Scout rank, and to see my first grandbaby. Of those things, I am grateful. If I live one more year, I will get to see my second grandchild and see my son graduate from High School. I am very proud of me children and the young adults they have become.

I will try to blog more often this year ;)