The Twelfth Day of Christmas

12 Drummers Drumming refers to the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

Epiphany Eve (January 5) was a good day. I was out of my depression and full of hope for the future. After a big breakfast, I did a lot of work on the forum and around the house. I also worked on Steven's scrapbook project. I still have a lot to do on it.

Theological Lesson: As a member of a strongly anti-creedal denomination, I really do not identify with this interpretation of what the 12 Drummers Drumming means. However, I do recognize that a great majority of Christians around the world do use the Apostle's Creed or one of the other creeds on a regular basis as an expression of their faith and beliefs.

The Eleventh Day of Christmas

11 Pipers piping refers to the eleven faithful Apostles

It has been a long time and I need to update my cancer situation. I did have an MRI on Tuesday. The doctor said that there was no change. However, this time I got a copy of the CD with my scan on it. I saw a white area where my cancer was. I do not know what it is but surely if I saw it my doctor would have seen it too. I do not think I will worry myself much about it. My doctor does not want to see me again for 8 months this time (it has been every 3-4 months). I have mixed feelings about this result. I sometimes wish that he had said that the cancer was back and that I would die in a few months.
I have a little journal given to me by my kids called "A Father's Legacy." It is not a dated journal but each page has one question. This last week the question I tried to answer was: "What is the most important lesson you have learned in your lifetime?" I really had a hard time with that question because I do not think I have learned anything of any great value… until the other day. I was having an imaginary conversation with my son, Steven. At one point, we were talking about my divorce and how I still think and feel that marrying his mother was a mistake in the first place. He replied: "But if you didn't marry her, I would never have been born."
At first, my reply was defensive. I told him that was a philosophical question (which it is). However, I realized how significant that question really is so I then told him that he was right. If I had married someone else and had a son and named him Steven, that "Steven" would not be him. I then realized the lesson that I have learned:
"Every choice we make, every decision or conclusion we make, changes our future in a very significant and irrevocable way."
So, have I really chosen to live?

Theological Lesson: The eleven faithful apostles. Actually, this reminds me that originally there were twelve. Judas made a choice that affected his life in a very profound way. I am not sure I know what I think of him. Sometimes, I identify with him. I think he is so misunderstood. I do not think he is in Hell right now; I think that Life here was his Hell. Blessed to be in the presence of the Lord, he opted to live in Hell full of pain, anger, and disappointments. I think of the other eleven not as "pipers" but as followers of the "piper"... following blindly and asking no questions... always with the "right" answers. It is harder to be the one with all the doubt and questions and confusion. In so many ways I have made the same choices that Judas did.
So, once again I ask: Have I really chosen to live in this Hell?

The Tenth Day of Christmas

10 Lords A-leading refers to the Ten Commandments

I do not remember much about January 3. It probably was just another average Thursday… boring, as usual. It is normal for Thursday's not to be very special days. I usually do not have anywhere special to go or anything special to do on Thursdays. Wednesday, are almost always busy days. On the second Wednesday of every month, I have to make sure all of my monthly bills are paid. Every Wednesday is clean up day for me. I clean the house and do other chores. I often go to church Wednesday night. However, on Thursdays I have much less to do.

Ten Commandments: The Ten Commandments do not tend to be of great concern to me. I have accepted the fact that everyone has broken at least some of them. Plus, Christ placed much sticker requirements on us than the Ten Commandments.
Of course, one of the hot issues for the religious right is the placing of the Ten Commandments in public buildings. I know all of their arguments; I just do not agree with them.
I am not saying that the Ten Commandments are simply the Ten Suggestions, but that other things are more important… like mercy, justice, kindness, acceptance, and ultimately Love. If we love God with all of our heart and love others as we love ourselves, the Ten Commandments become superfluous.

The Ninth Day of Christmas

9 Ladies Dancing stand for the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit

 Wednesday after Christmas (January 2), Wednesday, was a great day! I felt good, got up early, worked on the forum, had a big breakfast and lunch. I felt very good so I did a lot… including meditation. It was also the first day that I started to exchange emails with Luciana in Rio. I met her on the Cancer Forum. Her grandmother is sick with Breast Cancer. Your emails are in Portuguese giving me an opportunity to practice writing in my "native" language.


The nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit are:

1. Love: This is the greatest of all gifts; As Paul said, "the greatest of these is Love."
2. Joy: Not just happiness, Joy has an element of satisfaction with life. Unfortunately, my depression blocks most experiences of Joy.
3. Peace: I wish I could experience Peace in my soul and mind. My soul and mind are troubled.
4. Longsuffering: Patience is also a thing that is hard to learn. We learn patience by going through suffering and who likes that?
5. Kindness: This is my greatest gift. I have a nature empathic nature… at least I try. I think most members on the Cancer Forum would agree.
6. Goodness: Hah. Goodness is not my strongest gift. But sometimes I think of goodness as doing what is right. I think every person has made bad choices. I certainly have.
7. Faithfulness: I think of this a loyalty. I try to be loyal to others but sometimes I fall short. I have disappointed so many people. But faithfulness also means personal integrity.
8. Gentleness: I think I can be very gentle. But sometimes I think gentleness is just swallowing my negative feelings. Maybe true gentleness needs assertiveness.
9. Self-control: It might sound like a contradiction, but sometimes I do loss my self-control. I eat the wrong foods; I speak when I probably should shut up; and I can have a temper.

The Eight Day Of Christmas

8 Maids A-Milking stands for the eight beatitudes

New Years Day came and went so fast that I hardly remember anything but football. New Years Day has always been a slow, relaxing day in my life. Nothing very special; no significant memories associated with it. About the only tradition related to it I got from my ex in-laws: the required eating of black-eyed pees. Supposedly, eating black-eyed pees on New Years Day is required in order to make money during that year. It has not worked so far but I keep trying.

The Eight Beatitudes

• Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
• Blessed are the meek for they shall posses the land
• Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforter
• Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice for they shall be fed
• Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy
• Blessed are the clean of heart for the shall see God
• Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God
• Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

Several of these jump out at me. The main one is "Blessed are they who mourn." I do not think most people appreciate the value of truly mourning. Cultures that encourage their members to be stoic and to swallow their feelings tend to not be as healthy emotionally as cultures where emotions are openly displayed.
It is hard for me to express negative feelings. I truly believe that is the major cause of my depression. I do not even write my deepest, darkest feelings here… if you can believe that. It would really be a blessing to be able to open up to someone. That is why I like therapy so much, I can open up to my therapist even when I cannot or will not open up to others.