Troubling Times

I have not made an entry in almost a year. Shame, shame on me :D

Much has happened during this last year. The most critical event was the death of my father in September of 2006. He died of complications of Leukemia. Our relationship was complex, to say the least! He and I were too much alike in some ways and too different in other ways. Both of us have difficulty expressing our feelings, so we did not talk very much. He was a conservative man… I am a liberal man. I held a long-term grudge against him and I am sure he had his own issues with me. None of these issues were resolved before his death and I am not sure that I am all that sorry that we left so much unsaid between us.

My father was a very productive man. During his life time he did so much that was good and admirable… I did tell him how much I admired him for all the things he accomplished. On the other hand, I do not feel like I have accomplished much at all. I start many projects (like this blog), but lose interest soon. It is becoming harder and harder for me to maintain focused on any activity. Since my teenage years, I have had greater than normal mood swings going from almost Manic to Depression in a very short time. However, these swings have become greater than "normal". I do not know how much to attribute to life changes and the cancer or how much to attribute to clinical Manic-Depression.

My last mood swing toward depression came when I read on the Internet about the shootings at Virginia Tech. I kept wishing that I could have taken the place of one of those young people who died so senselessly. They had all of their lives to look forward to living as productive members of our society. What do I have to offer? I know that unless I am hit by a car, I will probably die due to a recurrence of my cancer. OK, so I might have 5-7 years before that happens. So let me use it productively. Somehow, I am not convinced.

I am doing what I can to help myself live. I have been to the doctor twice this week and I do have follow-ups scheduled. I take my medication on time. I started anti-depressant just this week so it is too early to judge whether it will help or not.

Of most concern to me are some significant memory losses I have had over the last year. Two were extensive last over 30 minutes each. Then I have had many others that are fairly brief… less than 30 minutes. How many exactly, I do not know. The most extensive one was this last Sunday when I drove over 45 miles but do not remember any of the trip. I know that we all daydream on a long stretch of Interstate from time to time. But this trip involved changing lanes, merging onto different roads, crossing traffic. I do not remember any of it! I made the trip in 40 minutes… a trip that usually takes at least 50 minutes going at 75 mph on the Interstate! I must have been flying!! The neurologist wants me to have another MRI but he doesn't think my insurance will pay since I had one in February.

Anyhow, that is all the news worth blogging about for today. I will try to be more faithful in blogging... if I can remember too LOL.

Well, Italy moves own

Italy, after beating the USA, Brazil, and now Germany moves on to the finals. I would have bet on any of the three teams against Italy. I did not think they were nearly as good as Brazil or Germany. But the score tells the story. I think Italy will win the World Cup this time.

A Good Day

My sinuses flared up over the week end, so I did not have chemo yesterday. However, I felt much better today and had my third treatment. So far, I have not felt anything, my hair is still as it was, and my right side continues to work normally.

I have even been able to do some work around the house. Unfortunately, I have just created more work for myself. Plumbing SHOULD be easy! For me, it hardly ever is. I can start a job the SHOULD last only an hour and spend days at it.

But mostly, the day has been good.

1. I have had the opportunity to post to all my boards and have some significant impact on at least two of them.

2. Elizabeth and Earl arrived around 9pm. We had a wonderful time talking. It is so good to be back in the family.

3. I called Jenny to get her new address and we had a very good conversation. She is doing well. Emma is with her this week so they are having fun.

The Brain Is A Fascinating Organ

The brain is a fascinating organ. Parts of it control almost every part of our lives. For example, right hand dexterity. Let’s take a simple task: taking a drink of coffee from a mug. Since I am not an expert (yet), I may not know all that the names of all the parts of the brain… nor which part controls what. However, I have learned a little.

When the surgeon removed a 2in wide, 2in long, and 4in deep section from the top left side of my brain due to cancer, I could hardly raise I right arm. The section removed is called the "pre-motor strip."

Back to the cup of coffee…. As I began to re-train my brain, I noticed how many steps are involved in what, up till then, I assumed was a simple task. First, part of your brain has to decide that you want a drink. Maybe it received a signal from the part of the brain that interprets smells… which intern connects with your memory… childhood memories of smelling coffee roasting at the nearby coffee processing factory are mine. Or maybe it was a signal from our stomach says: “I’m empty”. There are hundreds of other signals and memories that might trigger your brain to say: “I want a drink of coffee.” That, my friends, is just Step 1!

You have decided to take a drink of coffee. That decision sets off a second string of events. The part of the brain that decided to take a drink must issue orders to the part of the brain that controls the muscles in your arm and hand. Guess what? Those orders do not go directly to the appropriate muscles control center. They are passed along by the pre-motor strip!!!! (Read above). And the order is not simply to “Pick up the cup.” It is very complex: What muscles do I need use? How do I hold the cup? (by the handle and by wrapping fingers around the mug?) How firmly do I need to hold it? How far do I need to extend my arm to get the cup? Where is my mouth? How much force do I need to apply to raise said cup to my mouth? This is only part of Step 2.

Now, damage or remove the pre-motor strip!

Your frontal lobe (with input from various other parts of the brain) makes the decisions and issues the orders to take a drink of coffee, but nothing happens. In frustration, you try to make it happen by thinking harder, but nothing happens. However, over the next few days, your brain relearns and you are able to do Step 2 at least semi correctly.

Ok, you have the cup in your hand. You are still learning how to get the coffee to your mouth without spilling it in your lap, but each day you are improving. You have even re-mastered the art of halting the cup a fraction of an inch from your month so that the area right above your upper lip and front of our nose can send a signal to your brain about the coffee’s temperature. Your brain issues new orders to proceed and you take a drink. You have successfully completed Step 3.

But wait. You are not finished yet. The cup is still in your mouth. Similar to Step 1, various parts of the brain are involved in the decision that you have had enough. And as in Step 2, the brain issues orders to lower the cup. All of these sub-steps form Step 4.

At about the time you get the cup down onto the hospital’s beside table, someone comes in: Maybe a friend, maybe a family member, or, if you are really lucky, maybe your doctor, :lol:. You talk for a while and forget that what used to be an order your brain issued to your hand without you hardly noticing it, did not get through: “Let go of the cup, dummy!!!” Letting gravity have its way, you allow your arm to drop onto the bed… cup still firmly in your hand but with hot coffee on your lap.  

Step 5: “Let go of the cup, dummy!!!”   :lol:

I Choose To Believe

This has been a wonderful day! It actually started last night. I stayed up until after 4am reading information about Christine Anderson.  I am so impressed! I understand her music, lyrics, and spirituality so much better now. I also caught up on my other forums. Leo has fixed the Cancer Forum. The night before, a group of individuals took over the Forum making it useless to us who need it. At the same time, I “discovered” (I already knew about it so it was more like re-discovery), KCRW out of Santa Monica College in California. It is a wonderful place to listen to new and less pop music… including a lot of music from Brazilian artists. When I got up at 11am, I felt like a new man! I felt so refreshed… the meaning of Life was rejuvenated. I certainly do not understand what happened.

This afternoon, I had my first significant IM conversation with A-J (an English Aimee fan) in several weeks. It was nice to talk to her.

The downer for today was hearing that Senator McCarthy died yesterday. His death, no, memories of his life, prompted me to write a significant entry for my “Politics as Usual” blog. It may just be a pip dream, but I feel like becoming involved in politics… specifically, starting a new party, the Liberal Democratic Party.

I have had my seizure medication or I might suspect that I am feeling the way I am because I did not take my meds and am therefore more alert. It is always possible that this is just one of my “manic” spells. Nevertheless, for now, I will choose to believe.

Therapy

Physical therapy is really helping me return to normal! I am doing more than what the therapist is instructing me to do. Because I am having so much trouble with dexterity, I am using this typing as therapy. I am a member of several forums. That keeps me busy most of the day and way into the night.

I have also purchased a children’s writing tablet and am re-learning how to write. Using a pencil is the most difficult and tiring thing I do! It drains me of so much energy.

I have become a music fan also. Aimee Mann has interested me since I first saw were on an episode of “The West Wing” this spring. She has a deep, probably mezzo, voice. Her music tends toward the rock classification, although she is classified as an alternative rock singer. Aimee has been around since the 80s although I do not remember her from back then. She writes her own songs and her lyrics are out of this world! She touches my soul! Aimee likes to look at the dark side of the human condition. Song like That’s How I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart do break my heart. Aimee’s songs have been very meaningful to me at this time in my life.

Just this week, I have discovered another awesome singer/songsmith: Christine Anderson. Christine is much younger than Aimee. Christine was a professional model until recently when something happened… I do not know what… that changed her life. I do not know how to classify her song… probably alternative rock also. She is an outstanding pianist. Her themes are deeply personal but less dark than Aimee’s. She also speaks more about God and spirituality. Christine is an extremely creative composer.

I am re-discovering my own spirituality through music!

I Am Fine

It has been awhile since I last posted a message and this will be short. Surgery went fine and I am recovering well. I will return to me regular posting as soon as I am able.