HOW WILL I SUMARIZE MY LIFE?

12 Igreja da Misericordia

Olinda, Pernambuco

Recently, I have been thinking about what I want on my gravestone. It is not an easy task. Have I made a positive impact on my family or friends? Oh, maybe a little. However, there is so much I wish I had done. I know what I need to do and yet I fail to. I guess, down deep, I really do not want to change. So, I am stuck unable or unwilling to move forward.
There is so much I wish I had taught my children! If they have learned anything from me it is what NOT to be as a parent. My own father did not teach me much. I am not blaming him because I knew that I did not want to be like him. Yet here I am living much more in isolation than he ever did. I am torn between what I know I need and what I know I want. I am torn between the knowledge that I need to be with people and the desire to be alone. Other than the forum, an occasion email or phone call, a daily time on FaceBook, and a biweekly outing to the grocery store, I make very little contact with people. I make so many excuses! My cancer; my lack of money for gas and extras; we weakness… There is some validity to these. However, that pales in comparison to my unwillingness to participate in life.
The children's prayer goes: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, I pray to God my soul to take." This is not my prayer. When I lie in my bed, I often pray: "Now I lay me down to bed. I wish I was died. And if I wake in the morn, I'll wish that I had not been born." Not as sweet as the children's prayer but it is what I wish. I could never or would never actively kill myself, but I do wish I would die.
I want to start all over but I would probably make the same mistakes. I believe we are here to learn something about life. Until now that lesson has eluded me. Therefore, even if I did die and got to start all over, without having learned my lesson in this life, my destiny is to make the same choices until I learn.
So, back to my tombstone… my name, day I was born, day I died, and "Maybe Next Time".

WHERE IS HOME?

11 Kermese

Dad would be 86 today if he has lived this long. As part of remembering him, I took flowers to his and Mom's graves today. During the drive out there, I was overwhelmed by a sense of belonging to this place. I also remembered how important those trips to the cemetery are to me. I often fantasize about living in Brazil and I do plan to move back to Paducah sometime this year. But if I move, my family (the Hawkins side) will have no more reason to come here. I do have a couple of elderly aunts (in laws) and four cousins how live here. But I rarely see them. Who will visit my father's and mother's graves? Who will place flowers?
Where will I be buried? I always thought next (or near) to my parents. Does that really matter? For some reason, it does. Not that I really believe that it makes a difference in the long run. I will be close to them wherever I am buried. However, it still matters.

Going to the cemetery just reminded me of one more very important thing I will lose when I move and it kind of depressed me.

MRI REPORT

10 Cançadores

I am not sure if the news is good or bad or just nonexistent. Last night was very bad. I had a strong aura just 2 hours after taking my medicines. Cousin Emily drove me to the neurosurgeon. The doctor did two things: Ordered an MRI and called the neurologist to get me in before April 14. I am now scheduled for April 2. The doctor also put me on driving restrictions. He told me to limit drastically if not totally the amount of driving that I do until I get these auras under control. I can drive to the grocery store and back is pretty much it for a while. I will talk to my neurologist about how long I will be under that restriction.

  
We left his office and drove to the Imaging Center and they did an MRI with out and with contrast. Although basically everything was the same as all other MRIs that I have had, there was one difference: the technician asked me if I was going to see the neurosurgeon again. The technician has never asked that so I wondered why he did this time. However, to be clear, the technician never expressed and concern in what he said, in his tone of voice, or in how he treated me. He even joked with me about me being a "MRI Pro" and that I must have earned a degree in "How To Be A Good MRI Patient" by now.

  
Unfortunately, the answer to his question was "No". My neurosurgeon did not what to see me back. He instructed me to get a CD of the MRI to take with me to my neurologist. The Imaging Center people would fax my neurologist their written report. So, I do not have any official information to give to you today.


As is my custom, I did get a CD of my scan for myself. I have carefully looked at those 100+ images from this MRI and from previous ones. Although I am not an expert, nothing jumped out at me as being different. I did notice an area about 2cm x 1cm that was darker than the previous times... at the site of the original tumor. However, that could be caused by a slightly deeper "cut" this time, exposing some of the choroid plexus (that butterfly looking structure in the middle of the brain as seen from above). I am not overly concerned and will as patiently as I can wait to talk with my neurologist. I think if it was a recurrence, it would have been white.

  
I hope this does not overly concern you. I appreciate all of your thoughts, messages, and prayers. But right now I really think my auras are a sign of something off with my medicines that the cancer being back.





Give this some time to buffer. It is well worth it.

UPDATE ON MY HEALTH

09 Paisagem perto de Caixambú, Minas Gerais

Last Saturday night, I started having my pre-seizure auras. I double up my medication and went to bed thinking I would be fine in the morning. I was fine until mid afternoon when the aura came back. It is hard for me to describe what an aura feels like. However, I have had enough seizures to know what I feel like before one hits me. I have still not had a seizure and the aura has come and gone.

 
Monday, I already had an appointment with my GP. I was right in thinking that he would refer me to my neurologist. However, I am not sure where the communication broke down but the neurologist's nurse did not understand how important it was for the neurologist to see me ASAP so I am scheduled to see him April 14. I knew that would not do. I was thinking about just going over to his office and saying: "See me now or risk seeing me later in the ER after I have had a seizure." I realized that one of the things he would do is check my medicine blood leave. Since I had doubled up, that would probably return in the therapeutic range. The other thing he would do is call my neurosurgeon to see if he thought an MRI was needed. So, rather than taking that extra step in seeing my neurologist, I called my neurosurgeon who wants to see me today (Thursday) and possibly do an MRI.

 
All my support system is lined up: My cousin will drive me the 45 miles to St Thomas in Nashville; my wonderful neighbors are looking in on me every day now; and my family has all been notified… although right now there is precious little my family can do for me or that I want them to do.

 
This has brought to the forefront the issue of where I am living. I have decided, regardless of what is happening now, that I will be living in Paducah be next Christmas.

 
Next update will be later today when I get back from Nashville.

BROKE

8 Pescaria

It has been a long time. I am working on the Hardison Book update. The Hardison family is the family of my maternal grandmother. My father wrote the basic book. I am just scanning it and updating it. I have no plans of really publishing it in hardback form. If I do sell it, it will be as an eBook. But that is a long time in the future.

 
Right now, I am broke. I have absolutely no money until April 8. I have paid all my bills (I hope) and bought all the food that I need for over one month. However, there is very little left to pay off my depts, entertainment, travelling… I do not even have money for my medicines. It really is bad.

 
Oh, well. I will manage. I have managed so far.

GOOD COFFEE

7  Cathedra de São Luiz

Ahh Life is good. The sun is bright and it is slowly getting warmer. After spending a rather cold winter using the central heat only to keep the pipes from freezing it is great to have the house at 65F.

One of the only problems is that I am out of my favorite coffee. I went to the small Hispanic store where I usually get my Café Brustelo and they did not have any and are not planning to get more. I do not like any of the more Americanized coffees. Most people in the USA do not understand the coffee that they drink so here is the fact: It really does not matter where the coffee beans are for; what matters is where the beans are roasted. All US brands, including Starbucks, import their beans and roast them here. They do not roast the beans long enough or in the same way that the beans are roasted in Mexico or Brazil. USA coffee has, therefore, more acidity and cannot be brewed as strongly. It turns out more like a tea made of coffee beans rather than "real" coffee.
I will have to wait until I can find more Brustelo.
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I have had several people ask me about tha Franz Kohout waterpantings that I am using. I will eventually use all of the. However, if you would like to see all of the ones that I have, you can go to http://s110.photobucket.com/albums/n119/brazil_nut/Franz%20Kohout/ where I have uploaded all of them.

Depression

06 Igrejá do Carmo Salvador

This is probably the lowest I have been in many years and I am not sure how much I can or will write in this entry.
I am bipolar. One of my anti-seizure medicines also helps keep my mood level most of the time. However, sometimes nothing works.
Most people do not understand mental disorders in general and Bipolar Disorder specifically. There are three factors that contribute to Bipolar Disorder:

1.  Chemical imbalance in the brain: The brain just does not produce enough of whatever it needs and no amount of treatment will change that deficiency. That is why being bipolar is a lifelong curse. I have been this way since my teen years.
2. Psychological factors: By this in mean that I have a hard time expressing my emotions. Negative feelings get bottled up in my and that just makes the depression and manic phases worse.
3. A trigger: Often something happens to shift the direction of my mood. If I see the event as positive, I might swing to the manic side. On the other hand, if I see the event as negative, I might swing to the depression side.

I was balancing my checking and credit accounts and found that I will be in the red by the end of the month. I say that is a negative trigger.