Saturday Before Christmas

Twas the Saturday before Christmas and all through the house all the creature were stirring… even the mouse… well, not exactly. It is more like a regular Saturday than I would like. I wish my back were not hurting so much. I still have so much to do before the big day arrives. A lot of what I need to do involves heavy lifting… not exactly the right thing to do if my back is hurting.

Preparing For Christmas

I just need to take a break to post a message. I have been working hard to clean the house, but up the Christmas tree, and decorate the house but I still have so much to do. It does not look like I have done anything. However, I have made at least 10 trips to the dump with junk. I still have several more trips to make. I only have a 5 more days before everyone gets here.

I went to Paducah for 3 days earlier this week. My main reasons for going were to see Steven, hopefully to see Lauren, and to pick up my fruit order from the band fundraiser. However, I also almost finished my Christmas shopping. The rest should arrive in the mail since I ordered the rest online.

That is about it for now.

Merry Christmas

The Dark Cloud Covered The Sun

I am starting today's entry without first writing a title for this post. That is because I am totally unfocused today. It has been a lonely, quiet, slow, empty day. Oh, I had a lot to do and I did a lot of work yesterday but I just seems so mundane to me. OK, so the garage is a little cleaner, the basement does not have as many boxes, the Christmas decorations a partly up. The only job that I can say is totally done is the dishes have been washed, dried, and put away… not a small achievement for me. But the house is still a mess and time is running out.

I can feel my depression growing stronger within my chest. Like a dark cloud covering the sun, my days seem danker. A friend of mine on the cancer forums wrote an entry the other day in which she described her day as "walking through the quiet halls of the forum." That is exactly what the last few days have been like. Yes, there has been some activity but not like before.

The Sound Of Silence

Christmas Is Near

Yesterday, I braved the cold to put up some outdoor Christmas lights. I bought some lights a couple of years ago and an "after Christmas sale" but did not use them last Christmas. None of us really felt like decorating the house last year so soon after Dad's death. But this year things are different. My siblings and children will be here for at least a short time during the Holidays and I do want to make the house as welcoming as I can. So, I have put up some of the lights. I have enough lights to go across the entire front of the house but only can safely reach around the porch. The rest is too high and I do not have access to a long enough ladder. Even if I did have a ladder, putting up lights would be dangerous in my present condition. I have balance problems that prevent me from climbing too high about ground.

Outside, I still need to do some leaf cleaning. The dick if full of leaves that I really should try to put into bags so the trash people will take them away.

I have been making daily trips to the dump taking old boxes of binders and other junk in the basement. I found out that they do take old TV's and computer accessories. I will take a car full after the dump opens later this morning.

Yesterday, I also changed the oil in the car. When I went to pay, I found that I did not have my wallet. Oops. I had already driven to the dumb so I am glad I was not stopped by the police and asked to show them my driver's license. The guys at the oil changing place were very nice and let my return to the house to get my wallet.

I am listening to Christmas songs now.

Maybe I Spoke Too Soon

In my last post I said that I was able to stop the spiraling decent into the depth's of depression. I may have spoken too soon. Yesterday, for the first time in many weeks I went to bed much earlier than what has been normal for me and I did not want to get out of bed. I had to force myself out. I did not accomplish much either. Got a few cloths done but that is all the house work I did. I worked on the Cancer Forums for a while, but my heart was not really into it. I want to go to bed now, but it is way too early for that and it would not solve anything.

I look back a couple of days and am amazed that the person who posted that message is the same person who is posting this one.

I did start to write a database to use for a medical journal. I think I will work on that for a while. And maybe do some more work in the basement. The forum is quiet tonight anyhow.

Yes, I am in an Aimee Mann Mood

A Very Stressful Weekend

This was supposed to be a good weekend. Sunday has the first Sunday of Advent which is a very special time of the year for me. It is a season to remember and a season for preparing ourselves for the coming of Christ. Sunday morning was just that. Although it was raining it was otherwise a great morning. Even the rain was a blessing after such a dry summer.

However, Saturday night was not so good. I hope that you understand that I can and will write almost anything that only pertains to me. However, even though I am not legally or religiously obligated, I still hold confidentiality as a high value. So I can only write very briefly about what happened. It actually began several days ago when I approved the post of a new member. Although I did not see it as such, I have come to the conclusion that it was a violation of our policies. However, before I came to see that, the situation escalated and members where hurt. The tension and anxiety I felt almost sent me spiraling into depression when one of our most valuable members said he/she what to be removed from any connection to our forum. However, with the help of other members, I soon saw the reality of the situation: I had allowed someone to violate our Policies. Once I realized that, the next step was clear to me and by doing the right thing I kept myself from that deep and painful depression. The issue is still not totally resolved but we are moving forward. I know this message does not make much sense to you because I cannot give you more details. Suffice it to say, it has a very stressful weekend… but it is also the beginning of the new Church Year and that is good.

I thing "Wise Up" is appropriate for this weekend.

My Life Schedule Is Reversed

Most reasonable people are asleep as I write this. Some are already getting up to go to work. I will only go to bed around Noon and sleep until 5 pm. I have always been a night owl. For many years I was the evening Chaplain at Western Baptist Hospital. Most recently I worked the 3^rd shift at Wal-Mart. Since Dad died I have often stayed awake until at least 2 am. Gradually, I have stayed awake later and later. For several days I have had increasing problems falling asleep. It seemed like I could not sleep until sunrise. This week I found myself staying awake until the sun was high in the sky. As I tried to go to bed, I saw a lot of house work still to be done… the pantry needed to be cleaned, dishes needed to be washed, furniture and furnishing needed to go into the yellow room, laundry needed to be done, carpets needed to be vacuumed. Before I knew what was happening it was noon and I was still awake. Today I still have a lot of work to do. I made stew yesterday and I need to put the leftovers away before I go to sleep. Mind you, I am not complaining. The remarkable thing about it is that when I do go to bed, I sleep like a baby! And when I wake up at 5 or 6 pm I am fully rested and want to get out of bed whereas before I just wanted to sleep all night and then all day too. I do not what to change back. This schedule may sound very unorthodox. However, it works for me.

Am I in a manic phase? I do not know that for sure. It is hard to be your own therapist. It does not feel like I am manic. I am not trying to do everything perfectly. I do feel a great deal of anxiety about how the house looks and that Christmas is just a few short weeks away. In less than four weeks my siblings, children, grand-child, and ex-wife will be here and so much needs to be done.

• Yesterday, I took out all the sheets from the closet and sorted them according to the bed(s) they went on. I was amazed to find so few that will fit the yellow room bed… and all of them are pink. But I do not have the money to buy new ones so pink it is… at least for a while.
  
• The basement is still full of boxes. If my siblings bring their children, the basement is certainly where they will want to go. But cleaning it will be a giant task. I have hardly made a dent in it. Without a pickup truck it is so hard to take thing anywhere.
  
• I did fix the kitchen faucet which started to drip none stop. That leaves the bathtub faucet and sink faucets to fix.
  

I could go on and on. If I were in a manic phase I would try to do them all. I will do what I can and live around the rest. But my new life schedule is helping.

Ahh, to be young again

Medical Journal Format

Since shortly after I was first diagnosed in 1992, I have kept a medical journal for myself, then for my mother and father. Others have expressed interest in it so I have decided to post my format. If I had the knowhow, I would like to write a program to use it with a program that could be used in a Palm type device and sell if you US$19 a copy. But here is the basic outline of my hard copy version.

• Personal Information
  
  
  • Name
    
  • Address
    
  • Phone Numbers
    
  • Birthday
    
  • Know allergies and associated reactions
    
  • Blood-type
    
• Emergency Contact Information
  
  
  • Name
    
  • Address
    
  • Phone Numbers
    
  • Authorization(s) (Health Care Surrogate, Power of Attorney, Living Power of Attorney, Living Will)
    
• Current list of medications including nutritional supplements and alternative medicines
  
• Current list or doctors with addresses and phone numbers
  
  
  • Primary Care Physician
    
  • Neurologist
    
  • Oncologist
    
  • Neurosurgeon
    
  • Internal Medicine
    
  • Infectious Diseases
    
  • Dentist
    
  • Ophthalmologist/Optometrist
    
  • Ob/Gyn
    
• Past Medical history
  
  
  • Childhood illnesses
    
  • Past surgeries
    
  • Past major illness
    
  • Miscellaneous medical information such as dental care, vision, or hearing issues.
    
• On-going Medical Journal Entries
  
• Questions and Answers
  
  
• Primary Care Physician
  
• Neurologist
  
• Oncologist
  
• Neurosurgeon
  
• Internal Medicine
  
• Infectious Diseases
  
• Dentist
  
• Ophthalmologist/Optometrist
  
• Ob/Gyn
• Appointments
  

Hope this is helpful to everyone.

I have been a fan of Aimee Mann for several years now.

She is wonderful!!

An Unevent Full Day

Friday and Saturday were not very spectacular days but full of activities.

Most of what I did was on the Cancer Forums. That does take a lot of time. Of our current 16,000+ members, only about 25% have posted at least one message. I am sure that number will be more like 10% if my helpers and I did not delete so many of them. I personally delete at least 50 a day because they contain links to pornography or are advertizing something. I cannot understand how they can register without actually having a human being do the registration… at least part of the way. The last step in the registration process is to enter a certain combinations of letters and number that are masked so that computers are supposed to not be able to read them. I guess as long as there is cheap labor somewhere in the world, there will always be people to enter that code.

The bedroom refinishing project has entered its final phase but its slowest phase as well. I am trying to find wall decorations and furniture for it. Unfortunately, I do not have money to buy any new items. I do have plenty of old things I can use. Unfortunately, there are not up-to-date with the Home Network standards.

I did my monthly grocery shopping on Friday. Fortunately, everyone was across town at Wal-Mart and not on this side of town at Kroger's so the lines were about normal for a Friday evening. I was out of so many basic things that I did need to spend a lot of money. However, I might not have to go to the grocery store again until mid December.

The small stain glass project is now done. All that I need to do is clean off is glass. I am having second thoughts about selling that equipment. It is a possible way for me to make some of the objects with which to decorate the house. I don't know… maybe that is the manic side of me thinking that I can do that too. I know that I can do the stained glass work. The real question is: "Will I?"

Netflix has a feature that I enjoy; I can watch movies instantly rather than waiting for them to arrive in the mail. I took advantage of that feature Friday night and watched the biography of Thomas Merton… one of my spiritual guides. The movies are not first run movies. To see anything close to current I still have to wait for the mailman.

I backed a couple of pumpkin pies and took one over to my new neighbors as a "Welcome to the Neighborhood" gift. They seem to be a nice family with two middle school age kids. Of course, they do make more noise than Mrs. Mary. Since the side door to their house is just 30 feet from my bedroom window, noise may be an issue later next year when they spend more time outside. Hopefully it will not be a problem.

Anyhow, as you can see, I had much to do but little to write home about. Fortunately, few people visit my blog, hehehe.

I listened to Aida today on PBS. This clip is of Luciano Pavarotti singing a part of that opera. Of course, Pavarotti died earlier this fall of Pancreatic Cancer.

Happy Thanksgiving

This is the first Thanksgiving were I am totally alone. Last year, at least some of my siblings were here for part of the weekend. Dad had died just two months before so we gathered to divide the personal property and to talk about what next. It is not just being alone that I have to fight… it is also being lonely.

I was fortunate to have Elizabeth, Earl, and JP stop on their way to Earl's parent's home. I meet them at the restaurant at the intersection with I-65 so they could eat a Thanksgiving dinner with me and for me to hold JP. He is 4 ½ months old now and he has grown so much. I held him all through the meal and did not want to give him back for them to leave. That was my Thanksgiving J. I am very thankful that JP is part of our family. I do feel blessed.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite Holiday… at least since I returned to the US. I owe a lot of that to Connie's parents. They adopted me when my parents were still in Brazil. I do love them even if I am not married to Connie anymore. I remember the Thanksgiving morning tradition of going "hunting" with Paul (Connie's father). The Fall weather in Western Tennessee is so nice. We usually just walked, hoping that the dog would flush out some doves for Paul to take a shot at. I remember him shooting his shotgun but, to my knowledge, he never killed anything. Then, we would drive around a little before going home.

By the time we got back, the women were a hubbub of activity in the kitchen. Uncles and Aunts, siblings and cousins would start to arrive throughout the day. There was always the visit to "the other side of the family." Most often, we ate with Joyce's family and visited with Paul's. We would get together with them later in the weekend to eat again.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE

Update On The Remodeling

I finally finished painting the room. I still need to clean the carpet and move back the furniture. In fact, this could be the hardest part of remodeling… deciding how to re-decorate the room. Do I put a new border? What pictures do I put in there? What about curtains? These questions and many others like them are not my strong suit. Plus the fact that I am very limited financially means that I have to make use of the items I already have. But the curtains really do need to be replaced.

Here are some more lessons for the rest of you first timers.

• One can of primer and one can of your tented paint is cheaper than two cans of tented paint.


• Corollary: Two coats of a cheap primer are better than one coat of expensive primer. This might take longer. However, you will not regret spending the time and effort… especially if you are painting a dark room a lighter color.

• A sheet of plastic drop cloth is cheaper than repainting a bed or replacing carpet.
  
• Use one roller for the primer and one for the tented paint. Two rollers are cheaper in the long run than trying to wash one roller. You will never totally clean the roller anyhow so why not start fresh?
  
• A role (or two) of blue painter's tape is easier to apply than repainting the floorboards or window/door frames. However, as I learned, the tape CAN and DOES pull off the paint. I do not know if I did something wrong. Maybe the wood was painted with the wrong type of paint originally. I know that some paints do not adhere to other types of paint. Nevertheless, I ended up pulling off a significant amount of paint. In a previous life, I would try to paint the wood again. However, I think I will wait until at least after my Christmas guest leave.
  
• A second person to help is cheaper than a trip to the Emergency Room. If you have problems with balance, do not try to paint using a step stool or a ladder. Get someone to help you or at least someone to call 911 for you. I was just lucky. More than once I almost fell because of my balance problem.
  
• Corollary 1: Maintain three points of contact at all times (two feet and one hand or two hands and a foot). I learned this at a COPE class one summer at Boy Scout Camp with my son. Of course, in that case, one of our points of contact was the rope holding us up.
  
• Corollary 2: A wet, freshly painted wall is not a good choice for any of your points of contact unless you like paint on your hand and just needed to paint that wall again.
  
• Corollary 3: A ceiling can help you maintain your balance unless you have just overlooked what I said in Corollary 2.
  
• Two cans of primary are cheaper than one can plus a trip back to the store to by a second one. Most cans of any paint list you much you can expect that paint to cover. Usually, that figure is pretty accurate if you calculate the square footage right and add 100 square feet to the result. The room I was painting was roughly a 12ft x 12ft room with 8ft ceilings. Therefore, I was painting 384 sq. ft of walls. Add 100 to that and you get 484 sq ft. A gallon of the primer and paint I used said they would cover 400 sq. ft. So, I bought two gallons of each. It took well over 1 ½ gallons of the primer and just a little over one gallon of the tinted paint.

Before

After

Back to work on the Cancer Forums for a while.

I am not sure why I like Apocalyptica so much, but I do. I am just amazed at what they can do with Cellos. It is acid rock on a Cello.

It Was a Good Weekend

My weekend actually started Friday morning at 10 am when I got up. I did not go back to bed until Saturday night at 9pm. I did this intentionally. I am usually up most of the night only going to bed sometimes when it is 4 am. Friday, I worked in the room I am repainting. So, I just stayed up rather than going to bed.

Saturday was such a beautiful day! My neighbor and I raked up the leaves in our yards. Unfortunately, half of the leaves are still on the trees, so we will have to do it again. The leaves are so beautiful in the fall, but I am very glad when they are gone.

Saturday I also had to finalize a sermon for Sunday. My Cousin Emily is a minister at a nearby Presbyterian church. When she needs to leave town, she often asks me to preach in her place. In September I had an opportunity to preach. However, at the end of that service I swore that would be the last time I would preach. Some days my stuttering is very bad. That Sunday was one of the worse days. To start off with, I am barely accustomed to the liturgy in a Presbyterian church so I have to read all of the prayers, readings, hymns, and the Apostolic Creed. I could not focus. I stuttered so badly that I am amazed that anyone got anything out of the service. So when Emily called last weekend and asked if I would preach for her, I almost said "No." I did tell her about my speech problem but she told me that the members of her church had specifically suggested that she call me. For some reason, they like me. Go figure.

I worked on and off all week getting the sermon ready. On Wednesday, Emily brought me the bulletin for this Sunday. Friday night and Saturday, I transposed it to a MS Publisher booklet and wrote out every single word that I would need to read or say… including my prayers and sermon. I made the letters much larger so that it was easier for me to see. Then, at 9 pm, I took my medicines and went to bed so that I was well rested. I am not sure what worked (more preparation, more rest, less stuttering), but the service was so much better. Kind of makes me wish I could preach more often.

At church I met this lovely older lady named Missy (or at least that is what everyone called her). I had mentioned their beautiful stain glass windows during the service and that my father had made the stain glass windows for Northside Baptist Church. She started talking about that and that she too did stain glass windows. In fact, she is part of an arts guild here in Columbia that teaches people how to work with stain glass. I asked her if she knew anyone who might what to buy Dad's left over tools, glass, and other stain glass related items. She did and the guy called me and will be coming this afternoon to take a look at what I have. Hopefully, soon all of the glass will be gone.

So, in more ways than one this was a great weekend.

One of Dad's Windows at Northside Baptist Church

Remodeling Day 2?

Last time I told you how I was not going to bite off more than I could chew and just do one room at a time, remember? Well, hehe, it turns out that one room is almost more than I can chew. So far I have worked over 8 hours on that one room. First, I had to take a lot of things out and dump them into other rooms. I cannot even see my bed now. The couch is beckoning me J. I will need to clean it off too LOL.

However, what has taken an amazing amount of time is taking of the wallpaper border across the top of this 12 by 12 room. Let me give all of you "this old house" wanabees some basic instructions. If you think it is an easy task that anyone should be able to do, think again. If you cannot get or pay someone to do your wallpaper border removal for you, here as some suggestions:

1. 
   Don't use the wallpaper glue softener that comes as a thick pasty substance. I have used it in two forms:
   
   




1. The first way this substance is available is in a nice plastic bottle with a sponge roller attachment. It looks like it should do the job and in the hands of an expert it probably does. It looks very tempting. Save your money and move on. The problem is that it turns out to be very messy and it is hard to know when you have applied enough.


2. The second way this substance is available is in a squirt bottle familiar to anyone who has ever done anything do to with cleaner. I found that the instructions on the bottle would best be used if you are working on removing wallpaper that is covering the whole wall. However, it too is rather messy if you are trying to remove just a border


2. Regardless of the type or age of the wallpaper, do not even start without using the specially made tool to punch pin holes into the paper. I thought that since the paper I was trying to remove was not a vinyl wallpaper that I could skip this step. I was wrong.
   


3. 
   I ended up using the second product but had to change how I applied it. I used a wet sponge. I squired the blue gel onto the sponge and then dabbed it onto the paper. By dabbing rather than rubbing I was able to see how much of the gel I had actually applied. Be generous; it will not pay to be stingy.
   
   
   

   One last note about the type of wallpaper glue softener you should us. I did not use it this time but I remember years ago that there was a concentrated substance that we mixed with water at home. That might still be the best way to do the job.
   



4. The instructions on the bottle say to wait 15 minutes. If you do as I did and go around the whole 12 x 12 room at once, it will take much longer than 15 minutes and the paper will be dry as a bone. I found that I could only work on 6 ft sections at a time and I still had problems. I had to reapply the blue gel several times.
   


5. Be patient. It does not pay to rush. If you try to remove the paper too soon, you will separate the top layer of paper but leave a very thin layer of paper behind. While that layer easily absorbs the blue gel, it does not come off it one piece but in many very small and gluey pieces.
   


6. 
   Be sure to wash off the wall after all or most of the paper is off. I did this twice.
   
   
   
   
   
   1. The first time I alternated between the sponge with some of the blue gel on it to soften any remaining glue with a clean green and yellow sponge using the green, scraping side. Again, I worked on 6 ft sections at a time.
      
   
   
   2. The second time, I only used the yellow side of the sponge just to make sure all traces of glue and bleu gel where gone.
      


7. Again, be patient. Allot twice as much time to this talk than you could ever imagine and you might get it done an hour later.

What It Looks Like Now

,

A Great Day To Start Remodeling

Well, I have started. The house has not had a room in it remodeled since before my parents moved in… and that was almost 20 years ago. I am starting slow, which is unusual for me. I suffer for a self-diagnosed bipolar disorder. Usually when I am in one of my Manic periods I take on too much and spend more money than I really should or can spend. This time, I am under medication to help control those swings in my mood. I only purchased to cans of paint and the brushes I need to paint one of the three bedrooms in the house. I will start with the smallest and go from there. Wish me luck.

A New Approach

I have decided to make better use of this blog and not post a continuation of my story on the CancerForums.net. I will still make significant contributions to the CF and stay as active as possible with them. Nevertheless, it is just as easy to post to this blog and will not make my story so dominant of the stories of others. This is at least my current thinking J.

It Has Now Been 15 Years

Well, it is official. I have survived 15 years post diagnosis of Primary Brain Cancer (glioma). I will not lie to myself and say that it has been an easy 15 years because it has not. Especially since the move here in 2003 and the recurrence in June of 2005. I have not been able to find a good job which I can actually do. The damage to my brain has caused me some significant problems: weakness in my right arm and hand, trouble speaking, harder time remembering this, imbalance, and increased mood swings to name just a few.

But I am here. I am not sure why. I do help people on http://cancerforums.net/index.php and I think they appreciate what I do. However, often I suffer from survivor's guilt. I ask: "Why do I live and that father in his late 30's with a baby will die soon?" It haunts me so nights. I stay awake wishing God (who ever that is) would just take my remaining days and give it to someone who would make better use of it.

I did live long enough to see both of my daughters get married, to help me son earn his Eagle Scout rank, and to see my first grandbaby. Of those things, I am grateful. If I live one more year, I will get to see my second grandchild and see my son graduate from High School. I am very proud of me children and the young adults they have become.

I will try to blog more often this year ;)

Time Flies When You Are Having Fun

I am a grandfather:

I cannot believe how long it has been since the last time I updated my blog! So much has happened that it is hard even to know where to start. I guess I will start with the most important thing first. I am a grandfather. My oldest daughter gave birth to a son on July 1 just as I predicted. That means that in a few days he will be 4 months old. His name is James Paul (JP for short) and he is named after his great-grandfather on both sides of his family. The only problem is that he lives 4 hours away from me and it is not easy for me to get there.
My second daughter is now pregnant and will give birth sometime in April 2008. I cannot believe that I will be the first of my father's children to have two grandchildren.

I am disabled:

The cancer has taken its toll on me.

• I have right sided weakness. My neurologist says that the nerves to my right arm and hand were damaged by the chemotherapy and the damage caused by my surgery has caused some loss of communication between my brain and my right side.
• I tend to stutter more. I tied to preach a few weeks ago and could barely get through the sermon. It is very frustrating not to be able to speak clearly. So, I remain silent, communicating by email and sms more.
• I have lost my balance. I cannot climb ladders for fear that I might fall again. I stumble and cannot walk a straight line.
• I have experienced long periods of memory loss. It is not short term memory or even long term memory that is affected. It is gaps in my memory. I do things, significant things, and have absolutely no memory of doing them.

Despite all of this, if you only saw me, you could not tell that anything is wrong with me. I think people look at me and say: "He is disabled? I don't believe him." It is very frustrating to think that people do not believe me.
It is also hard on the budget. I live with the lights off, rarely use the TV, use as little water as possible, all in an attempt to save money so that I can pay the doctor bills and property taxes. I might end up having to sell the house I inherited from my father. I dent to eat poorly and really hate to waist anything. If it is not growing mold, I will eat it.

I am very active on The Cancer Forums:

Until just this month, I was the primary Administrator of the Cancer Forums. Although I am not the owner of that site, I was its most active member and did a lot of the administration of the site. That site has really started to grow into a wonderful community, offering patients, families, and friends information and support. Currently, we have over 15,500 registered members although many of them are not active.

My son has finished his Eagle Scout project and turned in the paperwork:

My son has almost earned his Eagle Scout rank. All that he lacks is to have a Board of Review. We are very proud of him because he did it all by himself.



One regret that I have is that we never had a chance to participate in a large event such as a World Jamboree or the PanAmerican Jamboree. He was too young for the PanAmerican Jamboree and we could not afford the World Jamboree. We did not even make it to Philmont but I think these were more my dreams than they were Steven's.

Troubling Times

I have not made an entry in almost a year. Shame, shame on me :D

Much has happened during this last year. The most critical event was the death of my father in September of 2006. He died of complications of Leukemia. Our relationship was complex, to say the least! He and I were too much alike in some ways and too different in other ways. Both of us have difficulty expressing our feelings, so we did not talk very much. He was a conservative man… I am a liberal man. I held a long-term grudge against him and I am sure he had his own issues with me. None of these issues were resolved before his death and I am not sure that I am all that sorry that we left so much unsaid between us.

My father was a very productive man. During his life time he did so much that was good and admirable… I did tell him how much I admired him for all the things he accomplished. On the other hand, I do not feel like I have accomplished much at all. I start many projects (like this blog), but lose interest soon. It is becoming harder and harder for me to maintain focused on any activity. Since my teenage years, I have had greater than normal mood swings going from almost Manic to Depression in a very short time. However, these swings have become greater than "normal". I do not know how much to attribute to life changes and the cancer or how much to attribute to clinical Manic-Depression.

My last mood swing toward depression came when I read on the Internet about the shootings at Virginia Tech. I kept wishing that I could have taken the place of one of those young people who died so senselessly. They had all of their lives to look forward to living as productive members of our society. What do I have to offer? I know that unless I am hit by a car, I will probably die due to a recurrence of my cancer. OK, so I might have 5-7 years before that happens. So let me use it productively. Somehow, I am not convinced.

I am doing what I can to help myself live. I have been to the doctor twice this week and I do have follow-ups scheduled. I take my medication on time. I started anti-depressant just this week so it is too early to judge whether it will help or not.

Of most concern to me are some significant memory losses I have had over the last year. Two were extensive last over 30 minutes each. Then I have had many others that are fairly brief… less than 30 minutes. How many exactly, I do not know. The most extensive one was this last Sunday when I drove over 45 miles but do not remember any of the trip. I know that we all daydream on a long stretch of Interstate from time to time. But this trip involved changing lanes, merging onto different roads, crossing traffic. I do not remember any of it! I made the trip in 40 minutes… a trip that usually takes at least 50 minutes going at 75 mph on the Interstate! I must have been flying!! The neurologist wants me to have another MRI but he doesn't think my insurance will pay since I had one in February.

Anyhow, that is all the news worth blogging about for today. I will try to be more faithful in blogging... if I can remember too LOL.