Depression

06 Igrejá do Carmo Salvador

This is probably the lowest I have been in many years and I am not sure how much I can or will write in this entry.
I am bipolar. One of my anti-seizure medicines also helps keep my mood level most of the time. However, sometimes nothing works.
Most people do not understand mental disorders in general and Bipolar Disorder specifically. There are three factors that contribute to Bipolar Disorder:

1.  Chemical imbalance in the brain: The brain just does not produce enough of whatever it needs and no amount of treatment will change that deficiency. That is why being bipolar is a lifelong curse. I have been this way since my teen years.
2. Psychological factors: By this in mean that I have a hard time expressing my emotions. Negative feelings get bottled up in my and that just makes the depression and manic phases worse.
3. A trigger: Often something happens to shift the direction of my mood. If I see the event as positive, I might swing to the manic side. On the other hand, if I see the event as negative, I might swing to the depression side.

I was balancing my checking and credit accounts and found that I will be in the red by the end of the month. I say that is a negative trigger. 

Politics

05 Igreja de Rosário

It is a taboo subject to talk about politics in my family. I think it all started in Brazil where it was inappropriate and sometimes dangerous for us to talk about the subject. However, that is not the full story. My family consists of such a wide variety of political opinions that it is hard to talk politics without getting into a heated debate and most of us are very uncomfortable with confrontations. What I will try to do in this entry it to give a broad stroke view of my political views. I know that for a lot of you this win come as a shock. I do not mean to cause you any pain although I expect some of you will be "concerned".
If there was a Liberal Democratic Party in the United State, I would join it. Neither of the two major parties reflects my beliefs. I will vote Democratic this fall but not with a great deal of confidence that anything will change.
1. I believe as our political AND Baptist forefathers did in the total separation of Religion and State. Certainly, I do not mean that one is not influenced by the other. However, when we start making political decisions that affect everyone based solely on our religious beliefs we have gone too far. Similarly, the State should not tamper with my religious beliefs. This does not mean that if my religion says that it is OK for me to kill someone in revenge that the State should not intercede… but they should intercede to protect the other person and not to try to change my personal beliefs.
2. I am against Capital Punishment in ANY situation. After using the illustration that I did in the previous statement, I feel like this should be the next stand about which I should talk. I value Human life too much to take it. Even if we could kill Hitler and save hundreds of thousands, we have no right to do that.
Corollary: My stand on abortion does not stand as a contradiction. While I do not believe that human life begins at conception it is still a life with the potential of becoming a human being. Nevertheless, while I am against abortions, I am equally strong pro-choice. I cannot imagine a more difficult decision to make than the choice to have or not have an abortion. The only person who should have any say in that choice is the mother. I am making a differentiation that most anti-abortionists do not, cannot, or simply will not make: pro-choice is not synonymous with pro-abortion. I have counseled with many women facing this choice. We talked about how they felt and believed how this choice might affect her lives, other options… but in all cases, the decision had to be theirs and theirs alone.
3. In terms of other social issues and economic issues I am also very liberal… almost a socialist (again making a significant distinction, this time between Socialism and Communism). The gap between the rich and the poor is immoral. I know that for some of you capitalists that gap makes total sense… even if you are among the poor. Maybe we will always have a gap, but that does not mean it is right. How can we call ourselves a "super power" when so many of our citizens are homes, hungry, and/or sick?
Corollary 1, On Health Care: For a country as rich as the US to not have a national health care system is shameful. I am in for a universal health care plan that covers all US citizens and residents.
Corollary 2, On Foreign Policy: Just within the last week, Russian troops invaded the much smaller neighbor state of Georgia. After our continuing military actions in Iraq, were do we find the nerve much less moral ground to object to Russia's action? I am in favor of supporting our troops; I just find this war to be an illegal aggression toward another country.
Well, that should be enough for one day .

 

First Contact

04 Trecho de Ouro Preto, Minas Gerais

If you are a reader of my blog or even if this is your first visit, you already have noticed the water paintings by the artist Franz Kohout I am using at the top of each of my entries. I really did not think that many people read this blog. To my surprise and great joy I received an email from the daughter-in-law of the artists expressing her happiness that I was using these painting. Her husband has a large portfolio of these paintings and she was wondering how I came to have these. I am totally overwhelmed that she found this blog. It just shows how powerful the Internet really is.
This contact just makes this collection so evermore valuable to us. It bring a lot of new and intriguing family history questions. Do we have all 60 of the original copies in this set? How did or parents come to have them in the first place; they were by no means art aficionados.
One intriguing but yet unconfirmed possibility is that Franz Kohout stayed in our home. When we live in Rio and in Tupã, my parents where always willing to hosts people traveling through the area. It is possible the Mr. Kohout was one of those traveler looking for inspiration. We are looking in our parants guest book for his signature.
This seems to be an ever increasing story and I will try to post what we find.

Colonoscopy Journal

03 Fundição de Aço, São Paulo

08:45 Tomorrow (July 16, 2008) I am having my first colonoscopy and I intent this entry to be a journal of that experience.
I can only have clear liquids today. At 08:00 I started taking the barium enema. For you who do not know what that is, it is 4 liters of fluid intended to clear out your system prior to the procedure. I am supposed to drink 8oz every 10 minutes. Having taken about 4 glasses so far, I am already slightly nauseated. I really hope I can keep it down.
08:50 I just took my 5 glass and was glad to see that I have already taken about 1/3 of the jug. I still feel slightly nauseated but nothing else so far.
This colonoscopy is just routine since I have no symptoms of colon cancer. But it does make me think: What if they find something? What will I do? I have always said that if my brain cancer recurs again, I will opt for no treatment. But somehow this choice might be even harder… whatever I decide to do. Dying of colon cancer is not a good way to die but neither is going through all that it takes to get an upper hand on colon cancer.
Time for another glass.
09:03 That glass definitely did not go down as easily. I am very nauseated and do not know how much longer I can hold it down or continue this journal.
I am kind of worried about tonight. Will I be able to sleep or will I be in the bathroom all night. This is when living alone is really hard. For one thing, I cannot just stay in bed and have someone bring me the liquid when I need to drink it.

09:15 I just had my first emergency run to the bathroom. I assume it will not be the last. At least it did relieve some of the nausea I was having.

Glass 7 down and stable.

09:26 Second emergency run to the bathroom. I am surprised at how fast this stuff is running through me but I did have a little diarrhea already.

Glass 8 down. Just slightly half way through.

09:40 Third run to the bathroom. This is certainly not what I would call "fun". Nausea is back but not as bad.

Glass 9 down and less than 1/4th of the jug left. Am I taking it right? It seems to be going too fast. The whole jug was supposed to take 4 hours. The instructions for me are: "Drink one glass every 10-15 minutes until the bottle is finished. You may take 4 hours to drink it if needed." I might be taking it too fast.

09:45 Glass 10 down. I will wait 15 min before the next one.

09:55 The liquid coming out is getting clearer so I guess the liquid going in is working :).

10:01 Glass 11 down. No change. Getting tired of running to the bathroom every few minutes :( but otherwise I am alright.

It would be nice if the CancerForums.net had a chatroom. :(

10:20 Glass 12 down and just 1 more left to go. I am feeling extra weak and tired. So I might have to go to bed once I finish the last glass.

10:45 Glass 13 down; none left :D. No let's see you long it takes for the "runs" to end. I need to lie down for a while.

14:47 I have been sleeping most of the time since I last posted. Bathroom trips have slowed but now I am hungry LOL. Jello anybody? :P

16:50 Just finished my "supper"... some chicken broth. Not feeling too well right now. Stomach is churning like a washing machine.

2008 July 16

07:00 Slept well. Got up at 06:00, took my bath, took my meds and am ready for my cousin to come pick me up and take me to the hospital.

12:15 Emily came as planed... 08:45. We were at the hospital by 09:00. The admission process did not take long and I was wheeled in for the colonoscopy by 10:00. The anathesionagist and doctor arrived shortly thereafter and after a brief conversation with each, I don't remember much except a slight abnormal taste in my mouth. I came to in the procedure room feeling as well as I did when I went in. I was back in my room by 11:00.

Test result no polyps, 7 small pockets of diverticulosis, and hemorrhoids.

I was home by 12:00.

Fred Hawkins Family Reunion

Ladeira do Pelourinho, Salvador, Bahia

What a wonderful time I had at our family reunion just a couple of weeks ago! All of my brothers and my sister were able to be there. Most of the next generation was there too. Three of the four great-grandchildren where there as well. Only my granddaughter was not able to be there because she is still too young to travel.
We went to Gatlinburg, TN and staid in a large condo with rooms for all of us except my nephew; he slept on a couch. I had an absolutely beautiful view of the mountains.
I have often said to people on the Cancer Forums that I like to know my prognosis but only in order to set priorities for the things I still want to do with whatever time I still have left. One of those things was to hike to the top of Mount LeConte and stay at the cabin they have up there ( http://www.leconte-lodge.com/home.html ). While I will never be able to do that, I was able to do the next best thing… hike part of the way there. Due to my balance problems and right-sided weakness, I would not dare try to hike all the way; at places the trail is not more that a foot's width wide. Nevertheless, with my youngest brother (John), I did hike about 2 miles in and back out which is about all the time we had.
In just a few minutes, I go to complete another of the items in my "bucket list"; I will be going with my son to his freshman orientation at the University of Kentucky.




View of Mount LeConte from the house we rented.

Vistas do Brasil Series – Franz Kohout Watercolor Paintings

01 A Sé, Olinda, Pernambuco

I am stating a new series of bogs with watercolor of the Brazilian artist Franz Kohout. I am not sure how many he painted. I have 51 copies. Actually, my brother Bill has the original copies but he send me a scanned copy. I wish I knew more about the artist but Google searches have so far led to no specific information. However, it does seem safe to assume from these searches that he was either an immigrant or decedent of immigrants from Czechoslovakia. As I find out more, I will add it to my posts.
Although I know something about some of the paintings, that is not by far the case for a great majority of them. If I do have firsthand knowledge of the subject, my comments will be about the paintings. Otherwise, they will just serve as a threat to tie my bogs together for a very long time.

Home and Life Improvements

Well, the new roof is finished as are the new widows. The new gutters to on tomorrow… weather permitting. I will post pictures as soon as possible.

In the mean time, I have created a new website and forum to offer support and information to cancer patients, their families, and their care providers. I really do not wish to replace the existing cancerforums.net … only to improve our services. We already have 14,000+ members. Google search "Brain Cancer Support" and the top return will be cancerforums.net . I have offered it to the owner of the existing forum and he would like me to be in a "more formal" relationship with him. Exactly what that means is still unclear. Hopefully, I will hear from him soon. Until then, I will not provide anyone the URLs other than the handful of people helping me develop these sites.

Russia winner Eurovision Song Contest 2008

NEW GRANDAUGHTER

The big news for the last two months is that I have a new granddaughter. Abby is the daughter of my second oldest daughter, Lauren. I went to be with Lauren almost a week too early because she told me she was "3 inches dilated" (about 8 cm) when she was actually only 3 cm dilated LOL. Anyhow, it was good that I went that early since her mother and our son had a band trip to go on. I was able to be with Lauren and help her. In fact, I drove her to her doctor's appointment where she found out that she would have her baby that very day. I am very happy that I could be there for Abby's birth albeit in the waiting room (Abby's father had arrived shortly after Lauren's admission to the hospital.

One of the wonderful things associated with the birth of Abby is that it gave me a lot of time to spend at the hospital where I served as a Chaplain for about 12 years. I renewed a lot of old acquaintances and had meals with several long-time friends. That time just made me realize how foolish I was to ever leave. Not only did I abandon my children and a crucial time in their lives but I left a good job and wonderful friends. I have never been able to make such good friends again. Certainly, I can never make up for the hurt I caused my children.

Lastly, the remodeling of my house continues. Since I own the house without a mortgage hanging over my head, I was able to take out a home equity loan. I have already reroofed the house. Today, the workers are here to install new windows. Next week, I will get new gutters. That is all the outside work that needs to be done by someone else. That leaves the inside for me to do. As with the first room, I have plans to paint the other rooms one-by-one. Paying off the loan gives me a good reason to live for at least the next eight years, LOL.

Last Things

I woke up crying this morning after dreaming about going on a trip back to Brazil, the country where I grew up and still deeply love. In the dream, I was at the end of a visit with friends in my "home country." I woke up when I realized that might be my last trip to Brazil. After awaking, I realized that very likely I have already had that last trip back in 1996.

I love Arizona in the late winter and early spring . I have been to Phoenix 3 times... once when I was 12 years old and then twice within the last 10 years. I love Phoenix and would move there if it were not that it is too far away from my kids. Will I ever go back? Probably not.

Life is so full of those types of experiences. Having had cancer and at my age, I am so keenly aware of those opportunities. The last time I visited my Hawkins side of the family in North Carolina was well over 5 years ago. Have I made that trip for the last time? Will I ever visit Europe? Australia? (after all, I now have several friends Downunder ).

Palma in Brazil. There used to be a wooden dam at this place. Dad was the Director of the Baptist Camp located on this farm in the interior of São Paulo State.

EUROVISION SONG CONTEST

Over the last 2 years, I have become an absolute fan of the Eurovision Song Contest. For you who do not know about it began in the mid 50's and has been going on every year since then. Eurovision Television is an organization much like the Public Broadcasting System here in the US including over 43 countries in from England in the west to Israel in the east.

Each country selects on singer and song to go to the ESC (Eurovision Song Contest). They do it starting at different times. Some start as early as the fall before the finals sometime in May. Other, make their decisions over a smaller time. They also make their selections in different ways. Some use a jury of music experts. Most allow the public to cast votes over the phone or via text messages.

This is really the first year that I have followed the country selection process. The first year I only found out about it after it was over. Last year, I saw the finals on the Internet. This year, I am totally into it, watching all the country selections that are on ESCTV's broadcast over the internet. Below is a video of the winners for the last three years. You can tell that there is a great difference between them.

The country from which the winning song comes gets to host the contest the next year.

Elena Paparizou from Greece winner in 2005

Lordi from Finland winner in 2006

Marija Serifovic from Serbia winner in 2007

Could you see PBS promoting a contest like that? Maybe in time.

Spring is Coming

For two days in a row, I awoke to the chirping of birds signaling the return of spring. With their sweet, pre dawn melody, they sang about the end of the cold winter and the coming of the warmer spring. I looked out the window and noticed that the maple and oak trees are starting to sprout new growth. They cycle of life continues throughout the seasons.

At the end of March, the Christian world will celebrate Easter and the resurrection of the Christ. I do not think this is an accidental coincidence. Both the Resurrection and spring are messages from God about the never ending potential of Life from Death.

The Internet

Today was a particularly bad day in terms of my depression. I really do not know why. Maybe the dark, cold, rainy day had something to do with it. Or maybe it is just a case of cabin fever. Maybe it is just that time in my bipolar cycle. Maybe it as all the bills that still need to be paid. Maybe a combination of all of those. I do know that it helped me to chat and work on the Cancer Forum. As dark and sad as the forum work can be at times, it can also be such a source of inspiration, encouragement, and support.

I don't think most counselors give much credit to relationships established on the Internet. The dating sites give this whole issue a very bad name. How can you really find your soul mate on the Internet? Personally, I do not think you can. The future is still to be written about how successful and long term those relationships will be. However, the Internet is a powerful communications instrument, facilitating contacts between individuals from all around the world.

But the one big drawback of any form of written communication is that it is so very hard to communicate feelings. Even the greatest poets have a hard time communicating feelings if their readers do not understand the poetry. If I write that something tasted as sweet as honey but the reader hates honey it as almost the opposite effect than I intended. On top of that, most of us are not great poets or writers of any kind… I know that I certainly am not a good writer.

Anyhow, I guess I am just writing this entry in order to say that I try to keep my blog up to date.

One of Romania's Entries for Eurovision 2008

The Twelfth Day of Christmas

12 Drummers Drumming refers to the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

Epiphany Eve (January 5) was a good day. I was out of my depression and full of hope for the future. After a big breakfast, I did a lot of work on the forum and around the house. I also worked on Steven's scrapbook project. I still have a lot to do on it.

Theological Lesson: As a member of a strongly anti-creedal denomination, I really do not identify with this interpretation of what the 12 Drummers Drumming means. However, I do recognize that a great majority of Christians around the world do use the Apostle's Creed or one of the other creeds on a regular basis as an expression of their faith and beliefs.

The Eleventh Day of Christmas

11 Pipers piping refers to the eleven faithful Apostles

It has been a long time and I need to update my cancer situation. I did have an MRI on Tuesday. The doctor said that there was no change. However, this time I got a copy of the CD with my scan on it. I saw a white area where my cancer was. I do not know what it is but surely if I saw it my doctor would have seen it too. I do not think I will worry myself much about it. My doctor does not want to see me again for 8 months this time (it has been every 3-4 months). I have mixed feelings about this result. I sometimes wish that he had said that the cancer was back and that I would die in a few months.
I have a little journal given to me by my kids called "A Father's Legacy." It is not a dated journal but each page has one question. This last week the question I tried to answer was: "What is the most important lesson you have learned in your lifetime?" I really had a hard time with that question because I do not think I have learned anything of any great value… until the other day. I was having an imaginary conversation with my son, Steven. At one point, we were talking about my divorce and how I still think and feel that marrying his mother was a mistake in the first place. He replied: "But if you didn't marry her, I would never have been born."
At first, my reply was defensive. I told him that was a philosophical question (which it is). However, I realized how significant that question really is so I then told him that he was right. If I had married someone else and had a son and named him Steven, that "Steven" would not be him. I then realized the lesson that I have learned:
"Every choice we make, every decision or conclusion we make, changes our future in a very significant and irrevocable way."
So, have I really chosen to live?

Theological Lesson: The eleven faithful apostles. Actually, this reminds me that originally there were twelve. Judas made a choice that affected his life in a very profound way. I am not sure I know what I think of him. Sometimes, I identify with him. I think he is so misunderstood. I do not think he is in Hell right now; I think that Life here was his Hell. Blessed to be in the presence of the Lord, he opted to live in Hell full of pain, anger, and disappointments. I think of the other eleven not as "pipers" but as followers of the "piper"... following blindly and asking no questions... always with the "right" answers. It is harder to be the one with all the doubt and questions and confusion. In so many ways I have made the same choices that Judas did.
So, once again I ask: Have I really chosen to live in this Hell?

The Tenth Day of Christmas

10 Lords A-leading refers to the Ten Commandments

I do not remember much about January 3. It probably was just another average Thursday… boring, as usual. It is normal for Thursday's not to be very special days. I usually do not have anywhere special to go or anything special to do on Thursdays. Wednesday, are almost always busy days. On the second Wednesday of every month, I have to make sure all of my monthly bills are paid. Every Wednesday is clean up day for me. I clean the house and do other chores. I often go to church Wednesday night. However, on Thursdays I have much less to do.

Ten Commandments: The Ten Commandments do not tend to be of great concern to me. I have accepted the fact that everyone has broken at least some of them. Plus, Christ placed much sticker requirements on us than the Ten Commandments.
Of course, one of the hot issues for the religious right is the placing of the Ten Commandments in public buildings. I know all of their arguments; I just do not agree with them.
I am not saying that the Ten Commandments are simply the Ten Suggestions, but that other things are more important… like mercy, justice, kindness, acceptance, and ultimately Love. If we love God with all of our heart and love others as we love ourselves, the Ten Commandments become superfluous.

The Ninth Day of Christmas

9 Ladies Dancing stand for the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit

 Wednesday after Christmas (January 2), Wednesday, was a great day! I felt good, got up early, worked on the forum, had a big breakfast and lunch. I felt very good so I did a lot… including meditation. It was also the first day that I started to exchange emails with Luciana in Rio. I met her on the Cancer Forum. Her grandmother is sick with Breast Cancer. Your emails are in Portuguese giving me an opportunity to practice writing in my "native" language.


The nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit are:

1. Love: This is the greatest of all gifts; As Paul said, "the greatest of these is Love."
2. Joy: Not just happiness, Joy has an element of satisfaction with life. Unfortunately, my depression blocks most experiences of Joy.
3. Peace: I wish I could experience Peace in my soul and mind. My soul and mind are troubled.
4. Longsuffering: Patience is also a thing that is hard to learn. We learn patience by going through suffering and who likes that?
5. Kindness: This is my greatest gift. I have a nature empathic nature… at least I try. I think most members on the Cancer Forum would agree.
6. Goodness: Hah. Goodness is not my strongest gift. But sometimes I think of goodness as doing what is right. I think every person has made bad choices. I certainly have.
7. Faithfulness: I think of this a loyalty. I try to be loyal to others but sometimes I fall short. I have disappointed so many people. But faithfulness also means personal integrity.
8. Gentleness: I think I can be very gentle. But sometimes I think gentleness is just swallowing my negative feelings. Maybe true gentleness needs assertiveness.
9. Self-control: It might sound like a contradiction, but sometimes I do loss my self-control. I eat the wrong foods; I speak when I probably should shut up; and I can have a temper.

The Eight Day Of Christmas

8 Maids A-Milking stands for the eight beatitudes

New Years Day came and went so fast that I hardly remember anything but football. New Years Day has always been a slow, relaxing day in my life. Nothing very special; no significant memories associated with it. About the only tradition related to it I got from my ex in-laws: the required eating of black-eyed pees. Supposedly, eating black-eyed pees on New Years Day is required in order to make money during that year. It has not worked so far but I keep trying.

The Eight Beatitudes

• Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
• Blessed are the meek for they shall posses the land
• Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforter
• Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice for they shall be fed
• Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy
• Blessed are the clean of heart for the shall see God
• Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God
• Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

Several of these jump out at me. The main one is "Blessed are they who mourn." I do not think most people appreciate the value of truly mourning. Cultures that encourage their members to be stoic and to swallow their feelings tend to not be as healthy emotionally as cultures where emotions are openly displayed.
It is hard for me to express negative feelings. I truly believe that is the major cause of my depression. I do not even write my deepest, darkest feelings here… if you can believe that. It would really be a blessing to be able to open up to someone. That is why I like therapy so much, I can open up to my therapist even when I cannot or will not open up to others.

 

The Seventh Day of Christmas

7 Swans A- Swimming starts for the 7 Gifts of the Holy Spirit

I finally got out of bed and did a few things around the house. Well, just a little. I did spend some time watching TV but in the living-room this time. I also went outside for the first time in almost a week and walked a while, washed the dishes, did some laundry, and got the mail (bills and junk mail… grrrr).
Gifts of the Spirit: (the underlined portions come from http://www.ourladyswarriors.org/faith/holygift.htm ... I assume this is a Roman Catholic site. I have edited it only to remove the sexist language).

1. Wisdom: A deep desire for the things of God, and to direct our whole life and all our actions to God's honor and glory. I have the desire but not the strength to carry this through. My life only tangentially honors God in any way… at least not I the traditional Christian understanding. I do think that I try to relate to others in a way that honors God. While not overtly God-directed, in my own mind, my work on the Cancer Forum is bringing honor and glory to God.
2. Understanding: Enable us to know more clearly the mysteries of faith. Faith is indeed a mystery. Most people really confuse mystery with a sense of knowledge (head knowledge). I do not believe this is a correct understanding of faith.
3. Counsel: warn us of the deceits of the devil, and of the dangers to salvation. Well, I totally disagree with the literal understanding of this definition. I am not really sure there is a devil… although I am very sure about the reality of Evil. But most people confuse Evil with violation of the commandments or some other standards of measuring behavior. As a counselor, the Holy Spirit helps us understand what is right for our lives. What is right for me may be wrong for you. Unfortunately, it is not easy to know what is right for one's life.
4. Fortitude: Strengthen us to do the will of God in all things. Certainly, I have not received the strength to do what I think I should. This may mean that I do not really know what the will of God is in my life.
5. Knowledge: enable us to discover the will of God in all things. Maybe this is the primary gift that I am personally missing the most. This gift is also misunderstood be many. God does not have a concrete plan for all of us to follow. Nor does God define for us an individual plan for our lives. What God tries to do is to help each of us to find our own plan. I wish I had a clue.
6. Piety: Love God as a Parent and obey God because we love God. My own personal sense is that I have so much internalized and unexpressed anger at God and fear of God that it is hard for me to express true piety. I am only superficially pious.
7. Fear of the Lord: Have a dread of sin and fear of offending God. I totally disagree with this understanding of what the Fear of the Lord is. It is not dread nor is it to be afraid of God. Fear of the Lord is more in line with reverence and respect. It is recognizing the awesomeness of the Lord and honoring God with our lives.

The Sixth Day of Christmas

6 Geese A-laying refers to the six days of creation

Sunday was another day in bed. My excuse was the US Football games on that day. But truthfully, I was still depressed and did not want to get out of bed. Retelling the same old story gets tiring so I can imagine how tiring it is for any reader who happens to check my blog. Unfortunately, when I get depressed, it is like a dark winter day… just one long night. Even praying becomes impossible. I cannot feel anything… no anger, no sadness, no love… just a profound loneliness. I know that my isolation is self-imposed. I just cannot seem to shack it off and do what I know I should do in order to cope with my depression.

The Six Geese a-laying is should remind me of the six days it took God to create the universe. However, I get hung up on the "laying" part because that is all I did. I wish I had thought about and enjoyed God's creation. I wish I had enjoyed others that day. But I did not. I did write an entry to my blog… for the second day of Christmas. I did do some work on the forum so I guess I was already getting a little better. Nevertheless, it took one more day before I got out of bed.

The Fifth Day of Christmas

5 Golden Rings – 5 books of the Pentateuch

Although 5 Golden Rings sound nice, the fifth day of Christmas (Saturday December 29) was not a good day. The house was so quiet and lonely. A great depression started and lasted for the next four days. For two of them, I did not get out of bed and just watched TV when I was not sleeping. I did not even want to go on to the CancerForums.net site to do some administrative work. I found myself annoyed by some of the new members and their questions… questions that I had answered hundreds of times before… or at least it felt that way. So, I just stayed away.
My financial problems also concerned me. How am I going to pay off my credit card dept? I will not mention here how much I really owe but it is a lot. I am slowly paying it off, but I fear that I will die and not leave any "Gold Rings" for my children. I remember the story of King Midos who touched things and they turned to gold. It seems that everything I touch turns to crap. I know that is not true but sometimes I feel that way.
Theological Message: The 5 books of the Pentateuch (first five books of the Jewish and Christian Scriptures) are books that show the beginning of several important things that still are issues today. Even though I do not believe them to be literally true accounts, they are still significant messages for us to listen to. Just to list a few:

1. How God created everything we know (even ourselves) from nothing.
2. How God loves and blesses God's children
3. How God's children often turn away from God
4. How God is merciful and brings his children back
5. How God has given guidance to his children over the years as an expression of God's mercy

The Forth Day of Christmas

4 Calling bird represent the Four Gospels

December 28 was a great day! All the family was still here so we had fun. It was a day full of joy. For lunch, we went the Dad's favorite restaurant and where we go a lot. Catfish Campus has become a tradition for our family. We also took our traditional siblings picture. Unfortunately, I do not have a copy of that picture yet because I did not take my camera. I know that a lot of you do not think of catfish as a Christmas food. It probably is not for most families. But after years of family reunions at Catfish Campus, it is traditional as Boiled Custard is in my family.

Theological Message: Today, we remember the four Gospels. Some people try to harmonize the four. I do not. I see each as separate. They come from different congregations in the early church. I once had a professor who told us that the four Gospels were like four churches on the same corner. Each church had its own preferences and history and needs. I cannot remember the denominations he associated with each, but his point was that each speaks to a distinct situation and should be considered on their own merits. Comparing them is only useful in recognizing the different messages of each.

1. Mark (arguably the earliest one) is the shortest of the four. It is also the darkest… especially if you do not accept the last chapter as originally part of the Gospel… no resurrection story. It leaves Jesus in the grave.
2. Matthew is focused on Jesus as the fulfillment of the Old Testament hopes and promises of the Messiah and the nature of the Kingdom of God. It is clearly written to a Jewish audience.
3. Luke is the story teller of the four. Luke tries to give a historical context to the life of Jesus. It is written to a Roman, none Jewish audience but who are really interested in facts and need facts to support their belief in Jesus as the Christ.
4. John is the theologian of the four. John is trying to understand the nature of the Christ and Salvation.

Bottom line, take each Gospel on its own and do not sweet the differences.

The Third Day of Christmas

3 French Hens refers to Faith, Hope and Love, the Theological Virtues

What I intended to be a twelve day project is turning into a twelve week project. That is alright with me. I enjoy Christmas so much that I do not mind spending 3 months reflecting on its meaning in my life.
Thursday, most of my family arrived. The only member who was absent was Lauren; she could not take time off from work. Nevertheless, Thursday was Christmas for me and the rest of us. They started arriving shortly after lunch. Connie and Steven, Elizabeth and Earl and JP drove here from Western Tennessee. Thursday afternoon, we opened our presents. We had a big laugh because Elizabeth gave me a key chain digital picture frame and I gave her the same thing. What was really funny was that both of us told Connie about our gifts so she already knew we were exchanging the same thing.
Thursday night we went to Franklin to my brother's daughter's house for our meal. Our time together there was very nice and full of laughter. We repeated of tradition of "dirty Santa" gift exchanges. I ended up with a very appropriate gift: a Starbucks Coffee set. The coffee is actually very good. I generally do not like coffee here in the US. Most of the time, it is just coffee tea.
I should mention something about my use of the Twelve Days of Christmas and the theological interpretation I give to each. They are not my own. There is some disagreement about the origin of these associations (i.e., that 3 French Hens refers to Faith, Hope and Love). I do not really believe that these associations have anything to do with the origin of the song. However, I use them because they do remind me of important elements of my beliefs. The Theological Virtues of Faith, Hope and Love are so central to my life that it is hard to imagine living in the absence of them. To be sure, I have struggled with each of these virtues. My Faith is in constant flux. My Hope is easily shaken by life events. My Love is often illusive, fleeing from my presence. However, as with French Hens that do not fly very far, the three Virtues are never very fly too far from me.

The Second Day of Christmas

2 New Testament and Old Testament

December 26 was a very busy day. I stayed up most of the night getting finished with the house work. I finished my gift shopping and rapping. I did not have time to feel depressed. I also took time to work a while on the CancerForms.net . It is amazing how much time that takes! I know I have said this before, but I really wish I could find someone who would pay me to do what I do.
Two Turtle Doves: That reminds me again of my ex-father-in-law. We would go hunting for doves or at least he would hunt. I would just walk with him.

On The First Day of Christmas

1 True Love refers to God.

Christmas Night was a lonely night but a busy night. I was getting ready for my family to come on the 27^th. I still had so much cleaning to do. I did not think I could ever get it all done. I am a perfectionist and felt hopelessly behind. Why did I not start earlier? I get so frustrated that often I just give up. However, I could not give up because regardless, my family would be here in less than 48 hours!
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Partridge (or pheasant or quail) with Pears
~ 2 - 2 to 3 lb. pheasants, halved or quartered
~ 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
~ 1/4 tsp salt
~ 1/4 tsp pepper
~ 1/4 cup butter or margarine
~ 3/4 cup dry white wine
~ 3/4 cup light cream
~ 3 egg yolks, beaten
~ 3 tbsp butter or margarine
~ 2 pears, cored and cut into wedges
~ 1 tsp sugar
Combine flour, salt and pepper in a plastic bag. Add pheasant pieces one at a time; shake to coat.

In a skillet, heat 1/4 cup butter. Brown pheasant pieces on all sides.

Add the wine. Cover and simmer 45-55 minutes or until tender.

Remove to a platter and keep warm.

Sauce

Combine the cream and egg yolks.

Slowly stir into pan drippings and cook over medium heat until just thickened stirring constantly. Do Not Boil.

Sautéed Pears

In a skillet, melt 3 tbsp butter. Add the pear wedges.

Sprinkle with sugar. Cook, turning often, until lightly browned.


Pass the sauce with the pheasant. Sprinkle with paprika if desired.

Serve with the pears.
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I have not tried this recipe but it sounds very good.